My heart still lies in pieces in its house in my chest. This is something that will haunt me every day of my life--that I have completely alienated yet another man I had feelings for. And nothing I can say or do will un-alienate him. And even though it's actually a good thing for me to not have him in my life or in my mind, I wonder if I had to do it that way--to put myself out on a limb like that to be shot down.
Really, I was hoping to form a deeper connection with him. I should have simply said that, rather than all the stuff I did say. What I did say was truer than anything I'd ever said to a person before, but it was still not the whole Truth of what I really desired to express to him. It was still cowardly, dramatastic, and did not get to the heart of the matter. And now I don't have another shot.
My email to my ex-mother-in-law bounced back, and I don't know if it's just an error, or if she has blocked me. I tried her other email address. I'm prepared to receive judgment from her as well.
And this is enough problems without even thinking about my financial situation.
*********************************
That was how Saturday started off. I asked the Lord why all this was coming at me, and He replied "because your heart is not yet clean." So, in order to cleanse my heart, I did an extended bowing meditation that day. 1000 bows. It took me several hours, and took me past the limits of my physical body. But when I would feel some part of my body get worn out, then I would stretch it to its fullest extension on the next bow, and would find myself flooded with seemingly limitless new energy.
And while I was bowing, humbling myself and connecting with the Divine, I received an answer to at least one of the problems. I learned that even though I'd received such a strong sense the previous day (confirmed by my friend's tarot reading) that I had lost this man from my life, I didn't have to accept this--at least not without one last attempt at expressing the truth. So, after 1000 bows, I made the attempt. I was clear, direct, to the point, and apologized for the embarrassing previous communication. Then after 81 more, I had a reply from him. A very nonjudgmental reply. No, he didn't confess his undying love for me--I already knew that wasn't going to happen. But, I felt heard and understood, and I feel I understood him. The deeper connection I had hoped for--and based on truth!
I feel like I have touched a great power. Humbled, reverent, in awe. I have struggled with God and with men, and have overcome. Going forward, this will be a very different world for me to live in.
But there is still much more cleaning left to do.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day 45--the price of authenticity
It hurts. It really freaking hurts.
The other day, I received an unmistakable, undeniable message from the Divine. To stop hiding behind poetry and tell him straight out how I felt. I wrote out the message and everything, then after a day and a half of tripping out and deliberating, I revised it and sent it out.
He has not responded, and I have a strong sense he will not. Ever. I have a strong sense I've permanently lost him, even as a friend--as much as he ever was truly my friend to begin with.
I didn't really know who he was. I "loved" him though I didn't really know who he was. I still don't really know who he is. And I never will.
On some level, I know why it all happened. God is pruning me. He has a purpose for me that I cannot see. Three days in a row I have received visions of a passionate ballet pas de deux with Jesus Christ, who lifted me above the cares of the world and let me feel the perfect freedom of motion in harmony with His will. He wanted to break my heart open so that I could see inside it and have compassion for others.
But it still fscking hurts.
And now I've been called to do it again, with another person in a much different situation.
I wrote up the email, sincerely apologizing to a person I have hurt very badly in the past (actually, I really hurt her son, but you know how it is, the mother suffers the child's pain--and I've already apologized to the son, who refused to hear it and wants nothing to do with me). Lord only knows what I'll get back from that one.
I am just tired of repeatedly receiving the message that I don't matter to people. So. Very. Tired. I am so very tired of attracting, and being attracted to, people who are coded to give me the message that they don't love me and I don't matter to them.
I am f*cking tired of it. You have no idea. I want to cry my eyes out, but getting a tear out of them is like squeezing blood from a turnip. Whoever gave the statistic that women cry 5 times a month on average is full of it--I wish I could cry 5 times a year.
F******************************ck.
The road of authenticity is a ruthless one, I am finding. And at the same time, it is a road of unimaginable beauty, a road of friendships deep and true. With people who don't share my karma, who are able to achieve things that are impossible for me. People who don't believe they have to be constantly abused, denied, and ignored. People who know they deserve to live. These people are a constant inspiration to me.
The other day, I received an unmistakable, undeniable message from the Divine. To stop hiding behind poetry and tell him straight out how I felt. I wrote out the message and everything, then after a day and a half of tripping out and deliberating, I revised it and sent it out.
He has not responded, and I have a strong sense he will not. Ever. I have a strong sense I've permanently lost him, even as a friend--as much as he ever was truly my friend to begin with.
I didn't really know who he was. I "loved" him though I didn't really know who he was. I still don't really know who he is. And I never will.
On some level, I know why it all happened. God is pruning me. He has a purpose for me that I cannot see. Three days in a row I have received visions of a passionate ballet pas de deux with Jesus Christ, who lifted me above the cares of the world and let me feel the perfect freedom of motion in harmony with His will. He wanted to break my heart open so that I could see inside it and have compassion for others.
But it still fscking hurts.
And now I've been called to do it again, with another person in a much different situation.
I wrote up the email, sincerely apologizing to a person I have hurt very badly in the past (actually, I really hurt her son, but you know how it is, the mother suffers the child's pain--and I've already apologized to the son, who refused to hear it and wants nothing to do with me). Lord only knows what I'll get back from that one.
I am just tired of repeatedly receiving the message that I don't matter to people. So. Very. Tired. I am so very tired of attracting, and being attracted to, people who are coded to give me the message that they don't love me and I don't matter to them.
I am f*cking tired of it. You have no idea. I want to cry my eyes out, but getting a tear out of them is like squeezing blood from a turnip. Whoever gave the statistic that women cry 5 times a month on average is full of it--I wish I could cry 5 times a year.
F******************************ck.
The road of authenticity is a ruthless one, I am finding. And at the same time, it is a road of unimaginable beauty, a road of friendships deep and true. With people who don't share my karma, who are able to achieve things that are impossible for me. People who don't believe they have to be constantly abused, denied, and ignored. People who know they deserve to live. These people are a constant inspiration to me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Day 40--back in the saddle
Apparently a year of living authentically involves two weeks of not blogging about it while I get my (fscking) act together. I could say "Shame on me!" but I'm not going to.
The essence of the Scotch pine has been a faithful ally throughout these weeks, always opening me to the vibration of love. Sometimes too literally! On June 12, which was day 32, I was in the shamanism class and during one of the journeys, I knew a Scotch pine tree--in the biblical sense. Really giving a new meaning to the term "treehugger." And then became fruitful and multiplied. I became a tree-human, with arm-branches heavy with oranges. (Oranges on a pine tree...yeah...don't ask questions). I became the sunlight on the grove of trees, coaxing a flowering plant into bloom, then enjoying the sensation of its petals against my skin. I became an owl in flight, swooping down to land amidst the flowers, then I became the flowers, then I became the soil in which they grew, as earthworms and sowbugs crawled through my body, creating more new life.
On the topic of love, this sums up my experience of today:
from the phoenix to the dragon
I'd be a fool to think
I could ever be your companion.
You seem to stay ten steps ahead of me--
always pointing the way ahead,
always showing how the impossible can be done.
And I remember seeing you in a vision
at the top of the red rock mountain,
waiting patiently for me to climb out of the pit.
And I remember that day when you held me tight within your strong arms
and would not let me go,
gently squeezing out my fear,
gently teasing out the tangled yet still unbroken thread of love.
I love the way my most shameful secrets
rolled off the surface of your Teflon mind,
never again to be mentioned or remembered.
And though my heart so often breaks to see you,
knowing you belong to another and I am vowed to solitude,
always you smile a moment later,
and I have no choice but to love you again.
I could explain, but I won't, not without his permission to be mentioned outright. And I don't have the courage to ask him. So, that story will have to wait until the book comes out--if the book comes out. I have been getting the message from Spirit to sink myself deeper into art--specifically dance--and to write a different, more commercially viable book.
Actually, thinking about it, this one WILL still be written. If I don't write it, I will be out of integrity with myself.
And if I don't get off this computer and put on some belly dance music in short order, the same.
The essence of the Scotch pine has been a faithful ally throughout these weeks, always opening me to the vibration of love. Sometimes too literally! On June 12, which was day 32, I was in the shamanism class and during one of the journeys, I knew a Scotch pine tree--in the biblical sense. Really giving a new meaning to the term "treehugger." And then became fruitful and multiplied. I became a tree-human, with arm-branches heavy with oranges. (Oranges on a pine tree...yeah...don't ask questions). I became the sunlight on the grove of trees, coaxing a flowering plant into bloom, then enjoying the sensation of its petals against my skin. I became an owl in flight, swooping down to land amidst the flowers, then I became the flowers, then I became the soil in which they grew, as earthworms and sowbugs crawled through my body, creating more new life.
On the topic of love, this sums up my experience of today:
from the phoenix to the dragon
I'd be a fool to think
I could ever be your companion.
You seem to stay ten steps ahead of me--
always pointing the way ahead,
always showing how the impossible can be done.
And I remember seeing you in a vision
at the top of the red rock mountain,
waiting patiently for me to climb out of the pit.
And I remember that day when you held me tight within your strong arms
and would not let me go,
gently squeezing out my fear,
gently teasing out the tangled yet still unbroken thread of love.
I love the way my most shameful secrets
rolled off the surface of your Teflon mind,
never again to be mentioned or remembered.
And though my heart so often breaks to see you,
knowing you belong to another and I am vowed to solitude,
always you smile a moment later,
and I have no choice but to love you again.
I could explain, but I won't, not without his permission to be mentioned outright. And I don't have the courage to ask him. So, that story will have to wait until the book comes out--if the book comes out. I have been getting the message from Spirit to sink myself deeper into art--specifically dance--and to write a different, more commercially viable book.
Actually, thinking about it, this one WILL still be written. If I don't write it, I will be out of integrity with myself.
And if I don't get off this computer and put on some belly dance music in short order, the same.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Day 22--Creation
Well, the mimulus (or the suggestion) did exactly as expected. I awoke late this morning from a dream in which I met with a woman from my distant past--a woman who started off as my friend, but ended up walking off with everything I had (including my significant other at the time). In the dream I relived the shame of my ultimate defeat, and attempted to take revenge by violently attacking the woman. But though I succeeded in slightly damaging her body, I did not obtain satisfaction, nor did I get back what was stolen--and worse, I became a monster myself.
Upon awakening and recalling the dream, I received clarity on its meaning:
"You have learned that you can't win or have power by hating another or fearing an outcome. She fed on your fear and hatred, and grew stronger and obtained power over you--because you fed it to her.
"If you instead hold the vision of Love, she will grow smaller, less powerful. She will not be able to keep Love from you. The cancer--all that is not Love--will be dissolved in the light of love.
"By the way, this works for actual cancer too. Doctors these days treat cancer by cutting it out or feeding it poison to destroy it. But the cancer is the body's own cells. By hating and fearing the cancer, they actually give it more power. When the surgeon cuts it out, he often must also remove part of the patient's body--the cancer claims those parts.
"Instead, if you hold the vision of love over your body--imagining every individual cell as a point of Divine Light--casting the Net of Light over your body just like you would over the Earth--you will create an environment in which the cancer cannot survive--in fact doesn't even want to survive. You create an environment in which the cells want to work in harmony with the body's design."
At this point I was afraid I was about to be diagnosed with cancer in order to prove this theory. But then my Source gently reminded me that I could use it to help others, specifically my sister's ferrets who have adrenal disease and insulinoma due to being inbred (like most ferrets sold at pet stores). I've given the ferrets energy healing before and they seem to like it. If I send chi to them while they are sleeping, they get really alert and crazy really quickly. Hmmm.
Well, I gave them some more healing today, while holding the vision in my mind of two healthy ferret bodies filled with Divine Light in every cell. I should also teach my sister how to do this meditation, and we'll see what happens.
I am so thankful to my Lord Jesus, my Divine Source. He has been silently, tirelessly working with me to pull back the veil from over all creation, showing me just how much I am able to do if I align myself with Him.
"And Jesus answered and said to them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will happen."
--Matthew 21:21, New American Standard Bible
Upon awakening and recalling the dream, I received clarity on its meaning:
"You have learned that you can't win or have power by hating another or fearing an outcome. She fed on your fear and hatred, and grew stronger and obtained power over you--because you fed it to her.
"If you instead hold the vision of Love, she will grow smaller, less powerful. She will not be able to keep Love from you. The cancer--all that is not Love--will be dissolved in the light of love.
"By the way, this works for actual cancer too. Doctors these days treat cancer by cutting it out or feeding it poison to destroy it. But the cancer is the body's own cells. By hating and fearing the cancer, they actually give it more power. When the surgeon cuts it out, he often must also remove part of the patient's body--the cancer claims those parts.
"Instead, if you hold the vision of love over your body--imagining every individual cell as a point of Divine Light--casting the Net of Light over your body just like you would over the Earth--you will create an environment in which the cancer cannot survive--in fact doesn't even want to survive. You create an environment in which the cells want to work in harmony with the body's design."
At this point I was afraid I was about to be diagnosed with cancer in order to prove this theory. But then my Source gently reminded me that I could use it to help others, specifically my sister's ferrets who have adrenal disease and insulinoma due to being inbred (like most ferrets sold at pet stores). I've given the ferrets energy healing before and they seem to like it. If I send chi to them while they are sleeping, they get really alert and crazy really quickly. Hmmm.
Well, I gave them some more healing today, while holding the vision in my mind of two healthy ferret bodies filled with Divine Light in every cell. I should also teach my sister how to do this meditation, and we'll see what happens.
I am so thankful to my Lord Jesus, my Divine Source. He has been silently, tirelessly working with me to pull back the veil from over all creation, showing me just how much I am able to do if I align myself with Him.
"And Jesus answered and said to them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will happen."
--Matthew 21:21, New American Standard Bible
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Day 21--Vibration.
Over the weekend, I picked up a book on medicinal aromatherapy, in response to a message I received from Spirit some months ago to begin researching the plant world. I devoured the entire book right away, as I usually do, and became incredibly intrigued at various ways I might heal my own life (and those of others) via plant essences. I've definitely got things in my life that need healing. My experiments in the dating world have driven a few points home with great emphasis:
1. Overweight--even slightly overweight--is to me an unattractive and depressing sight in a potential mate. However, I am 15 lbs overweight myself.
2. Financial woes are equally unattractive and depressing to me in a dating partner. However, I am $20,000 in debt myself.
I asked myself whether these two symptoms had a single, shared root cause. The answer came back yes. The root cause is shame, the belief that one is inherently bad, and it always develops as a direct result of a love deficiency.
In my case, I looked in the mirror and saw this beautiful, intelligent, sharp, energetic woman buried under this thick layer of fat. (I've been bigger than average since I was little. I used to absolutely detest myself for it and pour tremendous amounts of effort into keeping myself at a just-barely-overweight level. Then at some point I gave up and just let myself go, to the point where I weighed 160 lbs on my 4'10" frame and could barely tie my shoes. I've since lost most of that weight but the last 15 lbs just wouldn't budge, so I became resigned to it.)
It's time to become un-resigned, because it's so obvious to me that I'm using the fat as a shield. It makes me feel bigger, more substantial, and less vulnerable. No one can get through it to see who I really am. In fact, I can't get through it to see who I am myself. Whatever is under the fat scares me to death. That is shame. And the most insidious thing about shame is that it makes a person easily fall into a downward spiral of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-flagellation--often leading to actions that intensify the outward problem. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm so lazy, that's why I can't lose this weight, I'll never be considered attractive..." And that quickly leads to "...I might as well eat 400 calories of chocolate a day. I should at least have SOME pleasure in life, shouldn't I?" Pure poison.
But back to the point of my story. I went to the local new age shop and asked for plant essences that would help with the issue of shame. The lady suggested Scotch pine essential oil applied topically, combined with Mimulus flower essence, taken in a glass of water. She warned me that the Mimulus would bring whatever is causing my shame to come to the surface, and that I would have to do the necessary spiritual work to heal it myself. Fair enough.
When I applied the pine oil, it felt great...for about 5 minutes. Then I noticed I had a headache, difficulty breathing, and my energy just didn't feel right. This lasted about 30 minutes, during which time I also took the mimulus essence. I continued to feel sick for a little while, and then suddenly my heart and body just opened up and I felt really, really good. I felt like I was fundamentally OK, inside and out. This was a level of vibration that had previously been inaccessible to me. That is how plant essences work, I am told. Each plant has its own vibration, and when applied to your body, the vibration of the essence harmonizes with the vibration of your body, bringing you into a vibrational state more conducive to physical, mental, and spiritual health.
Learning and experiencing more of this is definitely going to be a part of my path. I wonder if my diagnosis will prove itself accurate. If I was right and my weight problem is really a shame problem, I ought to drop the weight naturally--via inner promptings to change my lifestyle--once I get my body/mind/spirit to the right vibration. Time will tell.
1. Overweight--even slightly overweight--is to me an unattractive and depressing sight in a potential mate. However, I am 15 lbs overweight myself.
2. Financial woes are equally unattractive and depressing to me in a dating partner. However, I am $20,000 in debt myself.
I asked myself whether these two symptoms had a single, shared root cause. The answer came back yes. The root cause is shame, the belief that one is inherently bad, and it always develops as a direct result of a love deficiency.
In my case, I looked in the mirror and saw this beautiful, intelligent, sharp, energetic woman buried under this thick layer of fat. (I've been bigger than average since I was little. I used to absolutely detest myself for it and pour tremendous amounts of effort into keeping myself at a just-barely-overweight level. Then at some point I gave up and just let myself go, to the point where I weighed 160 lbs on my 4'10" frame and could barely tie my shoes. I've since lost most of that weight but the last 15 lbs just wouldn't budge, so I became resigned to it.)
It's time to become un-resigned, because it's so obvious to me that I'm using the fat as a shield. It makes me feel bigger, more substantial, and less vulnerable. No one can get through it to see who I really am. In fact, I can't get through it to see who I am myself. Whatever is under the fat scares me to death. That is shame. And the most insidious thing about shame is that it makes a person easily fall into a downward spiral of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-flagellation--often leading to actions that intensify the outward problem. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm so lazy, that's why I can't lose this weight, I'll never be considered attractive..." And that quickly leads to "...I might as well eat 400 calories of chocolate a day. I should at least have SOME pleasure in life, shouldn't I?" Pure poison.
But back to the point of my story. I went to the local new age shop and asked for plant essences that would help with the issue of shame. The lady suggested Scotch pine essential oil applied topically, combined with Mimulus flower essence, taken in a glass of water. She warned me that the Mimulus would bring whatever is causing my shame to come to the surface, and that I would have to do the necessary spiritual work to heal it myself. Fair enough.
When I applied the pine oil, it felt great...for about 5 minutes. Then I noticed I had a headache, difficulty breathing, and my energy just didn't feel right. This lasted about 30 minutes, during which time I also took the mimulus essence. I continued to feel sick for a little while, and then suddenly my heart and body just opened up and I felt really, really good. I felt like I was fundamentally OK, inside and out. This was a level of vibration that had previously been inaccessible to me. That is how plant essences work, I am told. Each plant has its own vibration, and when applied to your body, the vibration of the essence harmonizes with the vibration of your body, bringing you into a vibrational state more conducive to physical, mental, and spiritual health.
Learning and experiencing more of this is definitely going to be a part of my path. I wonder if my diagnosis will prove itself accurate. If I was right and my weight problem is really a shame problem, I ought to drop the weight naturally--via inner promptings to change my lifestyle--once I get my body/mind/spirit to the right vibration. Time will tell.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Day 20--Focus.
Had a lot that I meant to post today...nothing is feeling true in the moment, though. It occurred to me that I need some kind of tangible goal for this journey--something that people can relate to. But how can I put "living authentically" into a tangible goal?
I would say by the end of this project I would like to be actively, 100% living my calling--bringing peace and harmony and beauty to the world. No "day job." No compromises. When someone asks me what I do, I would have a clear, concise, no-bullshit answer that starts with "I AM." An answer that I'm proud of. All the bills getting paid on time--and being able to afford to live outside my family home. Complete financial and personal integrity.
Today as I drove between the coffee shop and the yoga studio, a song came into my head. It is a song from a musical I saw with the aforementioned "lesbian" friend, and the lyrics go like this:
Sh*t~
Motherf*cker~
F*ck you, you c*nt or a pr*ck~~~
Bloooooowwww~ joooob~
Suck my d*ck!
Being the pottymouth that I am, I began to sing along. And instantly I began to feel weird. Cusswords have a very specific, very powerful vibration, I realized. And saying them causes one to resonate with that vibration. And resonating with the vibration of cusswords causes one to attract circumstances with similar vibrations.
I realized in an instant why parents have taught their children not to swear for millennia. I realized in an instant why I've achieved so little material and social success, and why I have only ever worked jobs that my parents consider "low class." I've been cussing like a sailor since I was 10. I'm very good at it. It is fun to make up creative cusswords such as "f*ck-a-doodle-doo" or "c*ckholder meeting." Everyone goes through that phase, and most people outgrow it. Somehow I never did--but I believe now is the time.
A couple nights ago I dreamed I was reaching into a refrigerator to get a Cherry Coke. I reached in and grabbed the red can, and then when I pulled it out, I noticed I had a black can of Diet Coke in my hand. I put it back and tried again. Diet Coke again. Then a voice from somewhere said, "Focus." I reached into the refrigerator for the third time, seeing a red can with cherries in my mind's eye, never taking my eye off that vision. And the third time, I was able to enjoy a delicious, aspartame-free Cherry Coke.
Upon awakening, I realized that I have been getting Diet Coke results in life, despite having Cherry Coke intentions. Not that Diet Coke is somehow inferior--HFCS is arguably just as bad as aspartame--but I have been getting results that are different from what I intended. My dream provided me a beautiful lesson for life going forward.
I would say by the end of this project I would like to be actively, 100% living my calling--bringing peace and harmony and beauty to the world. No "day job." No compromises. When someone asks me what I do, I would have a clear, concise, no-bullshit answer that starts with "I AM." An answer that I'm proud of. All the bills getting paid on time--and being able to afford to live outside my family home. Complete financial and personal integrity.
Today as I drove between the coffee shop and the yoga studio, a song came into my head. It is a song from a musical I saw with the aforementioned "lesbian" friend, and the lyrics go like this:
Sh*t~
Motherf*cker~
F*ck you, you c*nt or a pr*ck~~~
Bloooooowwww~ joooob~
Suck my d*ck!
Being the pottymouth that I am, I began to sing along. And instantly I began to feel weird. Cusswords have a very specific, very powerful vibration, I realized. And saying them causes one to resonate with that vibration. And resonating with the vibration of cusswords causes one to attract circumstances with similar vibrations.
I realized in an instant why parents have taught their children not to swear for millennia. I realized in an instant why I've achieved so little material and social success, and why I have only ever worked jobs that my parents consider "low class." I've been cussing like a sailor since I was 10. I'm very good at it. It is fun to make up creative cusswords such as "f*ck-a-doodle-doo" or "c*ckholder meeting." Everyone goes through that phase, and most people outgrow it. Somehow I never did--but I believe now is the time.
A couple nights ago I dreamed I was reaching into a refrigerator to get a Cherry Coke. I reached in and grabbed the red can, and then when I pulled it out, I noticed I had a black can of Diet Coke in my hand. I put it back and tried again. Diet Coke again. Then a voice from somewhere said, "Focus." I reached into the refrigerator for the third time, seeing a red can with cherries in my mind's eye, never taking my eye off that vision. And the third time, I was able to enjoy a delicious, aspartame-free Cherry Coke.
Upon awakening, I realized that I have been getting Diet Coke results in life, despite having Cherry Coke intentions. Not that Diet Coke is somehow inferior--HFCS is arguably just as bad as aspartame--but I have been getting results that are different from what I intended. My dream provided me a beautiful lesson for life going forward.
Net of Light--day 19
I have found much happiness, comfort, and meaning in the Net of Light visualization ever since I read about it two days ago. I have LONG (since age 13 when I consciously refused to be confirmed in the Lutheran church, knowing that it was not the only Path out there) believed deep inside that we are all One, but it is only recently that I have found other people who share this inner knowing, or ways of consciously projecting it into the world.
There is an amazing peace in knowing that just by taking this simple action--not even an action, but simply focusing my mind on a certain Truth--that I am aligning with my Creator, healing myself and our Earth, and holding space for a better future to fall into place through the transformation of human consciousness.
Two nights ago when my family was out to dinner celebrating my father's 66th birthday, I consciously held the Net of Light during lulls in the conversation. I tried to visualize peace and harmony, even within my family (which actually seems to have plenty of peace and harmony as long as I'm not in the picture).
Of course, the moment you declare who you are, its opposite appears right in your face. On the way home, my sister announced to my father that I'm planning on "moving in with a lesbian," which in addition to being untrue (I'm only thinking about moving in with my friend, and she does not identify as a lesbian, but not as 100% straight either), caused all hell to break loose and my father to state that "you think everything is OK, but you can't expect me to accept you when you do crazy things with crazy people." And then "You should learn to get along with normal people, because there are more normal people than there are crazy people."
Oh, if he only knew the debt we all owe to the world's "crazy people!" The tireless service they render us, preserving and maintaining the shadow side of human society, so that the rest of us can call ourselves normal and say we aren't like "those people!" For how could anyone be "normal" unless there was an "abnormal" to compare it to?
When I was a few years younger, I would have just shut up and let him rant because I knew I could not win, then I would have gone up to my room, hating my father and myself, and buried my emotions in the simpler, more beautiful 8-bit world of my old Nintendo. But it's been a while, so I actually started to argue back before realizing the futility of such an action. My father is never, ever, ever going to see things my way, and furthermore, I don't need him to--I only need to love, honor, and respect him and listen to what he has to say. So I stopped arguing and withdrew into my room, just like in the past. But the Nintendo isn't there anymore; it has been replaced by a sacred altar where I light candles and pray and ask God what the hell I should do about my life.
One thing that has become clear to me is that it is absolutely impossible to control a person who has a direct line to the Divine. And every person has a direct line to the Divine. So in order to achieve goals and outcomes, even the best of us humans will attempt to tell others that "my way is the only way to God." If you get a person believing that, they are much more likely to follow you. I am thinking specifically of Ilchi Lee, founder of Dahn Yoga, who keeps preaching through his books and teachings that humans need to understand the concept of "Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way" if we want to live in peace. Yet he seems to keep falling under accusations of leading a cult and demanding that his "followers" worship him as a "god."
Dahn practice has been incredibly interesting to me. It is not just a yoga class you go to for stretching exercises, even though when I signed up, that was all I was interested in. I have found it to be an opportunity to try on different mindsets, to learn how to control my energy, body, mind, and emotions, and to grow spiritually. Between Dahn practice, the Shamanic Training Program at Life Force Arts Center, and the Christian practices taught at Restore Ministries International, I have acquired an amazing set of "tools" for accessing the inner world and its wisdom. And I've experienced the cost of following this inner wisdom too, as I've had to continually shift my commitments with these organizations based on God's leading. (My name means "ocean" and most of the time I feel like I'm living in the middle of one...) Dahn has been the hardest to "let go" of, because I have felt so deeply connected to--and accepted by--so many of its people. But even if I must let those relationships go for a while, I have to do what I know is right for me.
I guess my education in fashion design wasn't wasted after all, because I have become a sort of "spiritual seamstress." Taking the fabrics of the world's religions, cutting away the nonessential, and sewing the pieces together with the thread of love. Creating beautiful garments that fit actual, individual human beings--making allowances for whatever irregularities and "flaws" each individual might have. For just because a person doesn't fit into the clothes you can get at Wal-Mart, doesn't mean he should have to go naked.
There is an amazing peace in knowing that just by taking this simple action--not even an action, but simply focusing my mind on a certain Truth--that I am aligning with my Creator, healing myself and our Earth, and holding space for a better future to fall into place through the transformation of human consciousness.
Two nights ago when my family was out to dinner celebrating my father's 66th birthday, I consciously held the Net of Light during lulls in the conversation. I tried to visualize peace and harmony, even within my family (which actually seems to have plenty of peace and harmony as long as I'm not in the picture).
Of course, the moment you declare who you are, its opposite appears right in your face. On the way home, my sister announced to my father that I'm planning on "moving in with a lesbian," which in addition to being untrue (I'm only thinking about moving in with my friend, and she does not identify as a lesbian, but not as 100% straight either), caused all hell to break loose and my father to state that "you think everything is OK, but you can't expect me to accept you when you do crazy things with crazy people." And then "You should learn to get along with normal people, because there are more normal people than there are crazy people."
Oh, if he only knew the debt we all owe to the world's "crazy people!" The tireless service they render us, preserving and maintaining the shadow side of human society, so that the rest of us can call ourselves normal and say we aren't like "those people!" For how could anyone be "normal" unless there was an "abnormal" to compare it to?
When I was a few years younger, I would have just shut up and let him rant because I knew I could not win, then I would have gone up to my room, hating my father and myself, and buried my emotions in the simpler, more beautiful 8-bit world of my old Nintendo. But it's been a while, so I actually started to argue back before realizing the futility of such an action. My father is never, ever, ever going to see things my way, and furthermore, I don't need him to--I only need to love, honor, and respect him and listen to what he has to say. So I stopped arguing and withdrew into my room, just like in the past. But the Nintendo isn't there anymore; it has been replaced by a sacred altar where I light candles and pray and ask God what the hell I should do about my life.
One thing that has become clear to me is that it is absolutely impossible to control a person who has a direct line to the Divine. And every person has a direct line to the Divine. So in order to achieve goals and outcomes, even the best of us humans will attempt to tell others that "my way is the only way to God." If you get a person believing that, they are much more likely to follow you. I am thinking specifically of Ilchi Lee, founder of Dahn Yoga, who keeps preaching through his books and teachings that humans need to understand the concept of "Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way" if we want to live in peace. Yet he seems to keep falling under accusations of leading a cult and demanding that his "followers" worship him as a "god."
Dahn practice has been incredibly interesting to me. It is not just a yoga class you go to for stretching exercises, even though when I signed up, that was all I was interested in. I have found it to be an opportunity to try on different mindsets, to learn how to control my energy, body, mind, and emotions, and to grow spiritually. Between Dahn practice, the Shamanic Training Program at Life Force Arts Center, and the Christian practices taught at Restore Ministries International, I have acquired an amazing set of "tools" for accessing the inner world and its wisdom. And I've experienced the cost of following this inner wisdom too, as I've had to continually shift my commitments with these organizations based on God's leading. (My name means "ocean" and most of the time I feel like I'm living in the middle of one...) Dahn has been the hardest to "let go" of, because I have felt so deeply connected to--and accepted by--so many of its people. But even if I must let those relationships go for a while, I have to do what I know is right for me.
I guess my education in fashion design wasn't wasted after all, because I have become a sort of "spiritual seamstress." Taking the fabrics of the world's religions, cutting away the nonessential, and sewing the pieces together with the thread of love. Creating beautiful garments that fit actual, individual human beings--making allowances for whatever irregularities and "flaws" each individual might have. For just because a person doesn't fit into the clothes you can get at Wal-Mart, doesn't mean he should have to go naked.
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