Day 73--Red Dragon

20 days later I'm logically following the same thread from the previous post. A lot has happened through my work at LFAC.

Actually, very little has happened through my work. A lot has happened through the practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for 5 hours a day, which we will continue until August 12. Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, as well as other practices, bring us directly into vibration with the Divine, so that we may download true wisdom from the universe.

And such wisdom came to me with regards to the problem of my loneliness.

I was once Linmayu Most Damned, but now I am Linmayu Red Dragon. The appellation "Red Dragon" belongs to my nonphysical lover; it was once an alternate name for an actual person so that I wouldn't say his name in print, but it evolved to stand for the masculine entity within myself.

But screw that. The name, and the power it suggests, are mine. I do not have to look to another for the source of my power when it has been inside me all along.

As far as the "him" in question, it came to me within a day of chanting that yes, I do desire a connection with him--on every level--and furthermore, that this possibility is not closed to me as I thought it was. I have realized that though he is incredibly attractive, he is not out of my league. If that was the case, I certainly wouldn't have had the experience just 4 days ago of being flirted with by someone ten times more handsome than he.

However, in order to make this longing bear fruit, I cannot go on as I have. I cannot continue to put myself one-down and put him on a pedestal, as this unattainable love-god. In fact, I cannot continue to give him energy or thought at all--I need that energy and thought for myself and my own work! I can't inspire anyone to love if all I have to offer is sycophantic admiration. As a woman, what I have to offer is simply my being--which actually is never offered, but must be requested. My friend said to me recently, "It doesn't matter how powerful he is; you're still the woman."

Yes. I am a woman. Not a "misbegotten male" as we were once thought to be.

I am radiant.
I am beauty.
I am inspiration.
I am love.

These things are inherent in all womankind--not distributed only to the few who grace the magazine covers. In fact, ordinary women are often far more powerful in love than the world's great beauties. This is because the inner person is always more powerful than the outer person, and prevails when the two are in conflict.

day 54...feeling crushed

And for some reason I feel absolutely defeated and crushed today, even though I won a HUGE spiritual victory in regards to my financial situation. I prayed to receive some money that was due me, and received an answer--in meatspace--immediately.

So why the hell do I feel so bad? Why so lethargic today? Why do I feel defeated, and like just behind my eyes is a dammed river of tears?

Because I am lonely. There are people in my life--countless people--and I must have joined at least ten Meetup groups today--but it is an energy of seeking what I don't have, and not of celebrating what I do. I spent time with my family today and it felt the same--as though I was desperately seeking fulfillment from their company, rather than enjoying the fact that I already had it.

This is all well and good intellectually, but I need communion with my Lord--in the now time.

Day 51--death and a dream of rebirth

No matter how many times a dancer takes the stage, there is always that deep seed of doubt and fear. The worry that she will fail--that her body will not carry the message she is meant to convey to her audience.

It's not an irrational fear. In some situations in ancient Hawaii, one mistake in a hula called for the dancer's immediate death. I am feeling the same dire circumstances surrounding tonight's performance. If I hold back in any way--if I do not fully surrender my body to Spirit--I will die. Or rather, I will fail to give birth to that which I contain. And that would be a living death.

So right now, in this moment, I am ready to fight, tooth and nail, every demon and every adversary that needs to be fought.

I saw in the mirror a face that was of neither side of my ancestry. A geisha face and a samurai face and a Buddha face. My real face?

Some of the Dahn masters have gone to Korea on a two-week meditation tour. I feel as though brothers and sons are going to war. Truly, these men and women deserve the honor due warriors--going to distant lands to do battle with the true enemy, the adversary within. And I long to join them, though I do not know if I can, being this age.

It is only a matter of time before I do join them. I feel it in my 2nd and 3rd chakras, so strongly. But first, the current battlefield...