Had a lot that I meant to post today...nothing is feeling true in the moment, though. It occurred to me that I need some kind of tangible goal for this journey--something that people can relate to. But how can I put "living authentically" into a tangible goal?
I would say by the end of this project I would like to be actively, 100% living my calling--bringing peace and harmony and beauty to the world. No "day job." No compromises. When someone asks me what I do, I would have a clear, concise, no-bullshit answer that starts with "I AM." An answer that I'm proud of. All the bills getting paid on time--and being able to afford to live outside my family home. Complete financial and personal integrity.
Today as I drove between the coffee shop and the yoga studio, a song came into my head. It is a song from a musical I saw with the aforementioned "lesbian" friend, and the lyrics go like this:
Sh*t~
Motherf*cker~
F*ck you, you c*nt or a pr*ck~~~
Bloooooowwww~ joooob~
Suck my d*ck!
Being the pottymouth that I am, I began to sing along. And instantly I began to feel weird. Cusswords have a very specific, very powerful vibration, I realized. And saying them causes one to resonate with that vibration. And resonating with the vibration of cusswords causes one to attract circumstances with similar vibrations.
I realized in an instant why parents have taught their children not to swear for millennia. I realized in an instant why I've achieved so little material and social success, and why I have only ever worked jobs that my parents consider "low class." I've been cussing like a sailor since I was 10. I'm very good at it. It is fun to make up creative cusswords such as "f*ck-a-doodle-doo" or "c*ckholder meeting." Everyone goes through that phase, and most people outgrow it. Somehow I never did--but I believe now is the time.
A couple nights ago I dreamed I was reaching into a refrigerator to get a Cherry Coke. I reached in and grabbed the red can, and then when I pulled it out, I noticed I had a black can of Diet Coke in my hand. I put it back and tried again. Diet Coke again. Then a voice from somewhere said, "Focus." I reached into the refrigerator for the third time, seeing a red can with cherries in my mind's eye, never taking my eye off that vision. And the third time, I was able to enjoy a delicious, aspartame-free Cherry Coke.
Upon awakening, I realized that I have been getting Diet Coke results in life, despite having Cherry Coke intentions. Not that Diet Coke is somehow inferior--HFCS is arguably just as bad as aspartame--but I have been getting results that are different from what I intended. My dream provided me a beautiful lesson for life going forward.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Net of Light--day 19
I have found much happiness, comfort, and meaning in the Net of Light visualization ever since I read about it two days ago. I have LONG (since age 13 when I consciously refused to be confirmed in the Lutheran church, knowing that it was not the only Path out there) believed deep inside that we are all One, but it is only recently that I have found other people who share this inner knowing, or ways of consciously projecting it into the world.
There is an amazing peace in knowing that just by taking this simple action--not even an action, but simply focusing my mind on a certain Truth--that I am aligning with my Creator, healing myself and our Earth, and holding space for a better future to fall into place through the transformation of human consciousness.
Two nights ago when my family was out to dinner celebrating my father's 66th birthday, I consciously held the Net of Light during lulls in the conversation. I tried to visualize peace and harmony, even within my family (which actually seems to have plenty of peace and harmony as long as I'm not in the picture).
Of course, the moment you declare who you are, its opposite appears right in your face. On the way home, my sister announced to my father that I'm planning on "moving in with a lesbian," which in addition to being untrue (I'm only thinking about moving in with my friend, and she does not identify as a lesbian, but not as 100% straight either), caused all hell to break loose and my father to state that "you think everything is OK, but you can't expect me to accept you when you do crazy things with crazy people." And then "You should learn to get along with normal people, because there are more normal people than there are crazy people."
Oh, if he only knew the debt we all owe to the world's "crazy people!" The tireless service they render us, preserving and maintaining the shadow side of human society, so that the rest of us can call ourselves normal and say we aren't like "those people!" For how could anyone be "normal" unless there was an "abnormal" to compare it to?
When I was a few years younger, I would have just shut up and let him rant because I knew I could not win, then I would have gone up to my room, hating my father and myself, and buried my emotions in the simpler, more beautiful 8-bit world of my old Nintendo. But it's been a while, so I actually started to argue back before realizing the futility of such an action. My father is never, ever, ever going to see things my way, and furthermore, I don't need him to--I only need to love, honor, and respect him and listen to what he has to say. So I stopped arguing and withdrew into my room, just like in the past. But the Nintendo isn't there anymore; it has been replaced by a sacred altar where I light candles and pray and ask God what the hell I should do about my life.
One thing that has become clear to me is that it is absolutely impossible to control a person who has a direct line to the Divine. And every person has a direct line to the Divine. So in order to achieve goals and outcomes, even the best of us humans will attempt to tell others that "my way is the only way to God." If you get a person believing that, they are much more likely to follow you. I am thinking specifically of Ilchi Lee, founder of Dahn Yoga, who keeps preaching through his books and teachings that humans need to understand the concept of "Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way" if we want to live in peace. Yet he seems to keep falling under accusations of leading a cult and demanding that his "followers" worship him as a "god."
Dahn practice has been incredibly interesting to me. It is not just a yoga class you go to for stretching exercises, even though when I signed up, that was all I was interested in. I have found it to be an opportunity to try on different mindsets, to learn how to control my energy, body, mind, and emotions, and to grow spiritually. Between Dahn practice, the Shamanic Training Program at Life Force Arts Center, and the Christian practices taught at Restore Ministries International, I have acquired an amazing set of "tools" for accessing the inner world and its wisdom. And I've experienced the cost of following this inner wisdom too, as I've had to continually shift my commitments with these organizations based on God's leading. (My name means "ocean" and most of the time I feel like I'm living in the middle of one...) Dahn has been the hardest to "let go" of, because I have felt so deeply connected to--and accepted by--so many of its people. But even if I must let those relationships go for a while, I have to do what I know is right for me.
I guess my education in fashion design wasn't wasted after all, because I have become a sort of "spiritual seamstress." Taking the fabrics of the world's religions, cutting away the nonessential, and sewing the pieces together with the thread of love. Creating beautiful garments that fit actual, individual human beings--making allowances for whatever irregularities and "flaws" each individual might have. For just because a person doesn't fit into the clothes you can get at Wal-Mart, doesn't mean he should have to go naked.
There is an amazing peace in knowing that just by taking this simple action--not even an action, but simply focusing my mind on a certain Truth--that I am aligning with my Creator, healing myself and our Earth, and holding space for a better future to fall into place through the transformation of human consciousness.
Two nights ago when my family was out to dinner celebrating my father's 66th birthday, I consciously held the Net of Light during lulls in the conversation. I tried to visualize peace and harmony, even within my family (which actually seems to have plenty of peace and harmony as long as I'm not in the picture).
Of course, the moment you declare who you are, its opposite appears right in your face. On the way home, my sister announced to my father that I'm planning on "moving in with a lesbian," which in addition to being untrue (I'm only thinking about moving in with my friend, and she does not identify as a lesbian, but not as 100% straight either), caused all hell to break loose and my father to state that "you think everything is OK, but you can't expect me to accept you when you do crazy things with crazy people." And then "You should learn to get along with normal people, because there are more normal people than there are crazy people."
Oh, if he only knew the debt we all owe to the world's "crazy people!" The tireless service they render us, preserving and maintaining the shadow side of human society, so that the rest of us can call ourselves normal and say we aren't like "those people!" For how could anyone be "normal" unless there was an "abnormal" to compare it to?
When I was a few years younger, I would have just shut up and let him rant because I knew I could not win, then I would have gone up to my room, hating my father and myself, and buried my emotions in the simpler, more beautiful 8-bit world of my old Nintendo. But it's been a while, so I actually started to argue back before realizing the futility of such an action. My father is never, ever, ever going to see things my way, and furthermore, I don't need him to--I only need to love, honor, and respect him and listen to what he has to say. So I stopped arguing and withdrew into my room, just like in the past. But the Nintendo isn't there anymore; it has been replaced by a sacred altar where I light candles and pray and ask God what the hell I should do about my life.
One thing that has become clear to me is that it is absolutely impossible to control a person who has a direct line to the Divine. And every person has a direct line to the Divine. So in order to achieve goals and outcomes, even the best of us humans will attempt to tell others that "my way is the only way to God." If you get a person believing that, they are much more likely to follow you. I am thinking specifically of Ilchi Lee, founder of Dahn Yoga, who keeps preaching through his books and teachings that humans need to understand the concept of "Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way" if we want to live in peace. Yet he seems to keep falling under accusations of leading a cult and demanding that his "followers" worship him as a "god."
Dahn practice has been incredibly interesting to me. It is not just a yoga class you go to for stretching exercises, even though when I signed up, that was all I was interested in. I have found it to be an opportunity to try on different mindsets, to learn how to control my energy, body, mind, and emotions, and to grow spiritually. Between Dahn practice, the Shamanic Training Program at Life Force Arts Center, and the Christian practices taught at Restore Ministries International, I have acquired an amazing set of "tools" for accessing the inner world and its wisdom. And I've experienced the cost of following this inner wisdom too, as I've had to continually shift my commitments with these organizations based on God's leading. (My name means "ocean" and most of the time I feel like I'm living in the middle of one...) Dahn has been the hardest to "let go" of, because I have felt so deeply connected to--and accepted by--so many of its people. But even if I must let those relationships go for a while, I have to do what I know is right for me.
I guess my education in fashion design wasn't wasted after all, because I have become a sort of "spiritual seamstress." Taking the fabrics of the world's religions, cutting away the nonessential, and sewing the pieces together with the thread of love. Creating beautiful garments that fit actual, individual human beings--making allowances for whatever irregularities and "flaws" each individual might have. For just because a person doesn't fit into the clothes you can get at Wal-Mart, doesn't mean he should have to go naked.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Day 18. I'll post it now and explain it later.
I received this in my email today, forwarded from my future boss. It originated from Shawn Gallaway, an amazing shaman, healer, musician, and loving spirit who has chosen to live a life of love and healing.
Please read and see if any of it resonates with you.
Listen up!!!!! It is with a grieving heart that I ask you to reach out and support our Great Mother Earth in healing at this time. The Grandmothers have spoken and are letting us know that it is time to wake up to the catastrophe that is happening in the Gulf of Mexico right now, and be willing to lend a healing hand as we make our way through this turbulent time. Here is their message.
"You Are Desperately Needed"
"We ask you to cast, anchor, and hold the Net of Light steady for the Gulf of Mexico," the Grandmothers said. "This crisis is affecting the entire world, and humanity is asleep. Wake up!" they cried. "Animals are dying, plants are dying, and your Mother is writhing in agony. If you hold the Net of Light steady at this time you will help stave off further catastrophe.
"You have been lulled into a false sleep," they said, "told that others (B.P.) will take care of this problem. This is not so," they said. "And this is not the time for you to fall into oblivion. Determine now to stay awake, and once you have made that commitment, think of, cast, and hold the Net of Light. Hold it deep and hold it wide. Amplify its reach to penetrate the waters of the Gulf and dive deep beneath the crust of Mother Earth. Anchor it at the earth's core and as you hold it there, ask it to unify with the mineral kingdom of this planet. It will do this and will harmonize with all the solid and liquid mineral states on earth-including oil and gas. The Net of Light will call these minerals back into harmony.
"Whatever human beings have damaged, human beings must correct," the Grandmothers said. "This is the law. We repeat: This is the law. You cannot sit back and ask God to fix the mess humanity has created. Each of you must throw your shoulders to the wheel and work. We are asking for your help. Several years ago we gave you the Net of Light so you would be able to help the earth at times like this. Step forward now. This is the Net of Light that will hold the earth during the times of change that are upon you," they said.
"First move into your heart and call on us. We will meet you there. The Net of Light is lit by the jewel of your heart," they said, "so move into this lighted place within you and open to the Net of which you are a part. Bask in its calming presence. It holds you at the same time that you hold it.
"Now think of magnifying your union with us. We, the Great Council of the Grandmothers, are with you now, and all those who work with the Net of Light are also with you. There are thousands, even millions now connected in light," they said. "Along with this union, call forth the power of the sacred places on earth. These will amplify the potency of our joint effort. Then call on the sacred beings that have come to prevent the catastrophe that threatens to overwhelm your planet. We will work together," they said, nodding slowly.
"Think of, cast and magnify the presence of the Net of Light in the Gulf of Mexico. See, imagine or think of it holding the waters, holding the land, the plants, the sea life, and the people. Holding them all!" they said. "The Net of Light is holding them steady; it is returning them to balance. Let the love within your lighted heart keep pouring into the Net of Light and hold, hold, hold. Calmly and reverently watch as the light from your heart flows along the strands of the Net. It will follow your command and continuously move forth. As soon as you think of it, it will happen. We ask you to practice this for only a few minutes at a time, but to repeat it throughout the day and night.
"We promise that this work with the Net of Light will do untold good," the Grandmothers said. "We are calling you to service now. You are needed. Do not miss this opportunity. We thank you and bless you."
My own thoughts: I believe that in addition to prayer, real human action is needed to correct the situation. However, I believe it is only through spiritual connection that any human can truly determine the right action for himself/herself. So please, if you resonate with this message, please hold the Net of Light with me, and trust that your next step will make itself clear to you. And if you don't believe in what I have said, please don't hate, but instead find something you do believe in and follow it wholeheartedly.
<3,
Linmayu
Please read and see if any of it resonates with you.
Listen up!!!!! It is with a grieving heart that I ask you to reach out and support our Great Mother Earth in healing at this time. The Grandmothers have spoken and are letting us know that it is time to wake up to the catastrophe that is happening in the Gulf of Mexico right now, and be willing to lend a healing hand as we make our way through this turbulent time. Here is their message.
"You Are Desperately Needed"
"We ask you to cast, anchor, and hold the Net of Light steady for the Gulf of Mexico," the Grandmothers said. "This crisis is affecting the entire world, and humanity is asleep. Wake up!" they cried. "Animals are dying, plants are dying, and your Mother is writhing in agony. If you hold the Net of Light steady at this time you will help stave off further catastrophe.
"You have been lulled into a false sleep," they said, "told that others (B.P.) will take care of this problem. This is not so," they said. "And this is not the time for you to fall into oblivion. Determine now to stay awake, and once you have made that commitment, think of, cast, and hold the Net of Light. Hold it deep and hold it wide. Amplify its reach to penetrate the waters of the Gulf and dive deep beneath the crust of Mother Earth. Anchor it at the earth's core and as you hold it there, ask it to unify with the mineral kingdom of this planet. It will do this and will harmonize with all the solid and liquid mineral states on earth-including oil and gas. The Net of Light will call these minerals back into harmony.
"Whatever human beings have damaged, human beings must correct," the Grandmothers said. "This is the law. We repeat: This is the law. You cannot sit back and ask God to fix the mess humanity has created. Each of you must throw your shoulders to the wheel and work. We are asking for your help. Several years ago we gave you the Net of Light so you would be able to help the earth at times like this. Step forward now. This is the Net of Light that will hold the earth during the times of change that are upon you," they said.
"First move into your heart and call on us. We will meet you there. The Net of Light is lit by the jewel of your heart," they said, "so move into this lighted place within you and open to the Net of which you are a part. Bask in its calming presence. It holds you at the same time that you hold it.
"Now think of magnifying your union with us. We, the Great Council of the Grandmothers, are with you now, and all those who work with the Net of Light are also with you. There are thousands, even millions now connected in light," they said. "Along with this union, call forth the power of the sacred places on earth. These will amplify the potency of our joint effort. Then call on the sacred beings that have come to prevent the catastrophe that threatens to overwhelm your planet. We will work together," they said, nodding slowly.
"Think of, cast and magnify the presence of the Net of Light in the Gulf of Mexico. See, imagine or think of it holding the waters, holding the land, the plants, the sea life, and the people. Holding them all!" they said. "The Net of Light is holding them steady; it is returning them to balance. Let the love within your lighted heart keep pouring into the Net of Light and hold, hold, hold. Calmly and reverently watch as the light from your heart flows along the strands of the Net. It will follow your command and continuously move forth. As soon as you think of it, it will happen. We ask you to practice this for only a few minutes at a time, but to repeat it throughout the day and night.
"We promise that this work with the Net of Light will do untold good," the Grandmothers said. "We are calling you to service now. You are needed. Do not miss this opportunity. We thank you and bless you."
My own thoughts: I believe that in addition to prayer, real human action is needed to correct the situation. However, I believe it is only through spiritual connection that any human can truly determine the right action for himself/herself. So please, if you resonate with this message, please hold the Net of Light with me, and trust that your next step will make itself clear to you. And if you don't believe in what I have said, please don't hate, but instead find something you do believe in and follow it wholeheartedly.
<3,
Linmayu
Dating--day 17
Some time ago I received an intuitive direction to go back on the dating sites.
"Why?" I asked God. "Isn't that technically adultery? Doesn't the Bible say that marriage is for life, even if a divorce occurs--making celibacy my only option? Wasn't that confirmed last year when I was dating and I ended up in the hospital with an unexplainable illness because You were displeased with me?"
"Yes," the voice came back. "But the rules have changed now. Remember, We no longer have the Bible as a barrier between Us, and as long as you obey Me, I will protect you."
So today I went on my first date in almost a year, and now I'm fairly certain what the lessons are.
1. I'm way more attractive than I was a year ago. Last year I was messaging the men; this year they are messaging me.
2. Men are just as mundane and depressing as they were a year ago. They are more fun to talk to now, though.
3. And there is not a man on earth who can possibly compete with the intimacy I have with my Creator, nor fulfill my longings for love and companionship. It is just not possible--not part of the design of this world.
In this world, there is a battle going on between men and women--a fight to the death! Patriarchal fundamentalists square off against feminists. Dating is a game where the man tries to get in the woman's pants without a commitment, and the woman tries to obtain a commitment without sex. And once the wedding rings are on, it's even worse! What is good for the goose is not good for the gander--in fact, our desires and needs seem to be directly opposed, so that what benefits the one actually harms the other.
My dream last night depicted this war in vivid detail. In it, two soldiers with guns came to knock on a woman's door. The woman looked out, and seeing that there were two men and they both had guns, she pulled out her own machine gun and mercilessly opened fire before a single word was said.
The men returned to base. One was unhurt, the other was unconscious and severely wounded. I was given the job of carrying the wounded man to the hospital on foot.
It was a long walk, but he was not heavy to me. Somehow, it felt good and right that I was doing this. I finally reached the hospital, and the doctors there (both men and women) assured me that the man would live and that they could treat his wounds. And then I waited...
After I woke up and went into meditation, I saw the wounded man again, this time lying asleep on a bed of flowers. I saw his face clearly this time, and I know who he is. He is the one who is going to enter my life in the future. He is not the one I have been hoping for, but he is just as wonderful as that one, or will be once he awakens.
I do believe there is a potential for love and beauty and harmony to exist between men and women. I just haven't seen it yet. My life has looked like the war scene in my dream--men have hurt me in the past, and whenever I see one, I do have a strong tendency to immediately open fire.
I should remember that I also have the capacity to bring them to healing--and that this task is rewarding in and of itself. I should also remember that I am not the one actually doing the healing--my task is only to bring the wounded person to the Divine.
That is probably the reason God wants me on those annoying dating sites...
"Why?" I asked God. "Isn't that technically adultery? Doesn't the Bible say that marriage is for life, even if a divorce occurs--making celibacy my only option? Wasn't that confirmed last year when I was dating and I ended up in the hospital with an unexplainable illness because You were displeased with me?"
"Yes," the voice came back. "But the rules have changed now. Remember, We no longer have the Bible as a barrier between Us, and as long as you obey Me, I will protect you."
So today I went on my first date in almost a year, and now I'm fairly certain what the lessons are.
1. I'm way more attractive than I was a year ago. Last year I was messaging the men; this year they are messaging me.
2. Men are just as mundane and depressing as they were a year ago. They are more fun to talk to now, though.
3. And there is not a man on earth who can possibly compete with the intimacy I have with my Creator, nor fulfill my longings for love and companionship. It is just not possible--not part of the design of this world.
In this world, there is a battle going on between men and women--a fight to the death! Patriarchal fundamentalists square off against feminists. Dating is a game where the man tries to get in the woman's pants without a commitment, and the woman tries to obtain a commitment without sex. And once the wedding rings are on, it's even worse! What is good for the goose is not good for the gander--in fact, our desires and needs seem to be directly opposed, so that what benefits the one actually harms the other.
My dream last night depicted this war in vivid detail. In it, two soldiers with guns came to knock on a woman's door. The woman looked out, and seeing that there were two men and they both had guns, she pulled out her own machine gun and mercilessly opened fire before a single word was said.
The men returned to base. One was unhurt, the other was unconscious and severely wounded. I was given the job of carrying the wounded man to the hospital on foot.
It was a long walk, but he was not heavy to me. Somehow, it felt good and right that I was doing this. I finally reached the hospital, and the doctors there (both men and women) assured me that the man would live and that they could treat his wounds. And then I waited...
After I woke up and went into meditation, I saw the wounded man again, this time lying asleep on a bed of flowers. I saw his face clearly this time, and I know who he is. He is the one who is going to enter my life in the future. He is not the one I have been hoping for, but he is just as wonderful as that one, or will be once he awakens.
I do believe there is a potential for love and beauty and harmony to exist between men and women. I just haven't seen it yet. My life has looked like the war scene in my dream--men have hurt me in the past, and whenever I see one, I do have a strong tendency to immediately open fire.
I should remember that I also have the capacity to bring them to healing--and that this task is rewarding in and of itself. I should also remember that I am not the one actually doing the healing--my task is only to bring the wounded person to the Divine.
That is probably the reason God wants me on those annoying dating sites...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Always facing disapproval--day 16
A friend of mine in Oklahoma is taking a brave step out into authenticity tomorrow by attending a pro-choice rally at the State Capitol. I am very proud of her because she is risking a degree of social acceptance in order to make her voice--and the voices of countless Oklahoman women who may not have her courage or freedom--heard by the state government.
This is the kind of choice everyone needs to make--whether to risk displeasure or judgment from outside in order to give birth to what is inside. It doesn't have to be a huge thing--just something that forces one to deal with discomfort, in whatever form.
As for me, I recently let some of my yoga-related commitments fall by the wayside, due to changes in my work schedule that I was unable to prevent. I am feeling guilt and a sense of failure about this. Really, I was getting to the point where my practice and training were no longer enhancing my own mission, but replacing it. No longer helping me get in touch with my Source, but making me feel like I was on a treadmill and HAD to just keep running.
In a shamanic journey meditation during my instructor training in January, I had seen an arrow pointing straight ahead--signaling to me that the Dahn Yoga path--continuing my training until I became a master, then devoting my life to the cause--was unquestionably right for me. And I had been following it wholeheartedly, changing my work schedule and leaving my Christian ministry and my volunteer commitments. But recently I received another vision. I was on a snowy path and the road ahead of me became a fork. I could have gone left, or I could have gone right. I went right--and then I went off the path altogether, and created my own path in between the two paths.
Another vision, when I specifically asked whether I should continue, showed me that I will indeed take the path of the Dahn master, but that it will be a slow journey for me. I saw that I will indeed devote my life to healing the world, but (as usual) I have to break from the "approved" path in order to do it. I have to source my journey from within, or else I will not really be able to heal anyone or improve anyone's life...
but man, the disapproval I'm currently facing really sucks.
This is the kind of choice everyone needs to make--whether to risk displeasure or judgment from outside in order to give birth to what is inside. It doesn't have to be a huge thing--just something that forces one to deal with discomfort, in whatever form.
As for me, I recently let some of my yoga-related commitments fall by the wayside, due to changes in my work schedule that I was unable to prevent. I am feeling guilt and a sense of failure about this. Really, I was getting to the point where my practice and training were no longer enhancing my own mission, but replacing it. No longer helping me get in touch with my Source, but making me feel like I was on a treadmill and HAD to just keep running.
In a shamanic journey meditation during my instructor training in January, I had seen an arrow pointing straight ahead--signaling to me that the Dahn Yoga path--continuing my training until I became a master, then devoting my life to the cause--was unquestionably right for me. And I had been following it wholeheartedly, changing my work schedule and leaving my Christian ministry and my volunteer commitments. But recently I received another vision. I was on a snowy path and the road ahead of me became a fork. I could have gone left, or I could have gone right. I went right--and then I went off the path altogether, and created my own path in between the two paths.
Another vision, when I specifically asked whether I should continue, showed me that I will indeed take the path of the Dahn master, but that it will be a slow journey for me. I saw that I will indeed devote my life to healing the world, but (as usual) I have to break from the "approved" path in order to do it. I have to source my journey from within, or else I will not really be able to heal anyone or improve anyone's life...
but man, the disapproval I'm currently facing really sucks.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Day 15
Blargh. Day 15, which came right after day 14. It's after midnight and I have not been wanting to blog or write or look inside myself at all whatsoever. I talk to coworkers, surf the web, obsessively check my email, anything to avoid looking into myself. I'm not immune just because I've committed to doing this work. I feel like crawling back up into my mother's womb and just staying there forever.
This morning during yoga class I received another piece to the betrayal/forgiveness puzzle. I was lying on the floor in a relaxation pose and my mind wandered to the man I currently love (secretly and unrequitedly). As the sound of his name resonated in my mind, I felt this turbulence, this sexual, emotional charge over my heart--and then became painfully aware of the presence of something else underneath it.
I saw that my feelings of love, all those delicious and ecstatic emotions, had been swirling around for months distracting me from a piece of inner work I had been neglecting--that of forgiving this other person who betrayed me so deeply. I saw that unless I forgave that person, I would keep drawing the experience of betrayal into my life over and over again through my beloved. In fact, that is exactly what I have been doing for eight months.
And then I saw that there was nothing to forgive. The person who I thought betrayed me--he actually did no such thing. He actually did a beautiful thing for me. When this person came into my life, my soul was very dark and negative, self-destructive and full of hate and envy--almost pure evil. And I acted that evil out--on him and others--for a long time. After several years, I woke up one day and found myself actually wanting to be good and to do good for others. And then, almost immediately afterwards, this person disappeared from my life and took all my evil with him.
I hope God has been good to him.
This morning during yoga class I received another piece to the betrayal/forgiveness puzzle. I was lying on the floor in a relaxation pose and my mind wandered to the man I currently love (secretly and unrequitedly). As the sound of his name resonated in my mind, I felt this turbulence, this sexual, emotional charge over my heart--and then became painfully aware of the presence of something else underneath it.
I saw that my feelings of love, all those delicious and ecstatic emotions, had been swirling around for months distracting me from a piece of inner work I had been neglecting--that of forgiving this other person who betrayed me so deeply. I saw that unless I forgave that person, I would keep drawing the experience of betrayal into my life over and over again through my beloved. In fact, that is exactly what I have been doing for eight months.
And then I saw that there was nothing to forgive. The person who I thought betrayed me--he actually did no such thing. He actually did a beautiful thing for me. When this person came into my life, my soul was very dark and negative, self-destructive and full of hate and envy--almost pure evil. And I acted that evil out--on him and others--for a long time. After several years, I woke up one day and found myself actually wanting to be good and to do good for others. And then, almost immediately afterwards, this person disappeared from my life and took all my evil with him.
I hope God has been good to him.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 14
2 weeks into this? Already?! Time has been flying by so fast. My purpose is at the same time 100% clear and 100% unknown. I know I am to keep faithfully following the leadings of Spirit--but I do not know where Spirit is leading me.
My research, after having read Balance Point, has led me one step further into the spiritual fringes, to a site called Operation Terra. I spent the last two days devouring all the information on the site, and feel called to share it, despite the cult accusations popping up on the Internet. (It seems that everything I get involved with seems to be surrounded by cult accusations, from Dahn Yoga to the Catholic Church, so I take these things with a rather large grain of salt and follow my internal guidance above all else.)
Personally, I am resonating with the material on Operation Terra, albeit in a somewhat resistant manner. I do not believe any of the information on the site can or should be taken literally or read with the literal, intellectual mind. But I definitely resonate with the instructions given for those "destined for Terra." The instructions are to "let go and let God," to allow my energy to be cleansed, to release all stagnant energy or blockages within myself, to make my spiritual practice the center of my life, to simplify, to not get sucked into the endless drama being hawked by the media, to go within for answers, and to have the courage to face any opposition for living my truth from within.
Not to mention, the idea that there were multiple UFO sightings in the Bible (mentioned on the recommended reading list) is worthy of research, if for nothing else but amusement value.
**************************************
I began singing in the car on the drive home today, pulling a new song out of the ether. And as I sang, awareness of a large energy blockage surfaced within me. I have not fully dealt with a recent betrayal that has shown up in my life, and I have been carrying its ugly, hateful energies with me for quite some time.
Feelings came up as I sang, and I translated the feelings into words, and the words became answers. Any betrayal, whether it's the loss of a friend, a job, or a romantic relationship, comes packaged with a hefty dose of shame, which makes us often unwilling to talk about what happened. This is definitely the case for me, and even in my desire to be transparent, I don't feel it's appropriate to share the details; it would be speaking ill of another human being who is alive and walking this earth and already has his own share of problems to deal with. However, what came to me was the weight of the shame, and its power to isolate an individual from society. Because even if I were to detail what happened, no one would really want to hear it. We'd rather get our drama from TV and tabloids, not from someone we actually have to deal with in life. This way we can vent all our unresolved shame, blame, and hate on Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise.
Celebrities deserve every dollar they make, because they serve this function for our culture--being the scapegoat for everyone's sins. Adultery, abusive relationships, and general nastiness are rampant in everyone's lives, but we have to be nice to each other to keep the wheels of society turning. Where does all the anger go, then? Famous, beautiful people are a convenient target. No one wants to look within themselves for the cause of whatever misery they're experiencing.
Not until you hit rock bottom and you have no other choice.
My research, after having read Balance Point, has led me one step further into the spiritual fringes, to a site called Operation Terra. I spent the last two days devouring all the information on the site, and feel called to share it, despite the cult accusations popping up on the Internet. (It seems that everything I get involved with seems to be surrounded by cult accusations, from Dahn Yoga to the Catholic Church, so I take these things with a rather large grain of salt and follow my internal guidance above all else.)
Personally, I am resonating with the material on Operation Terra, albeit in a somewhat resistant manner. I do not believe any of the information on the site can or should be taken literally or read with the literal, intellectual mind. But I definitely resonate with the instructions given for those "destined for Terra." The instructions are to "let go and let God," to allow my energy to be cleansed, to release all stagnant energy or blockages within myself, to make my spiritual practice the center of my life, to simplify, to not get sucked into the endless drama being hawked by the media, to go within for answers, and to have the courage to face any opposition for living my truth from within.
Not to mention, the idea that there were multiple UFO sightings in the Bible (mentioned on the recommended reading list) is worthy of research, if for nothing else but amusement value.
**************************************
I began singing in the car on the drive home today, pulling a new song out of the ether. And as I sang, awareness of a large energy blockage surfaced within me. I have not fully dealt with a recent betrayal that has shown up in my life, and I have been carrying its ugly, hateful energies with me for quite some time.
Feelings came up as I sang, and I translated the feelings into words, and the words became answers. Any betrayal, whether it's the loss of a friend, a job, or a romantic relationship, comes packaged with a hefty dose of shame, which makes us often unwilling to talk about what happened. This is definitely the case for me, and even in my desire to be transparent, I don't feel it's appropriate to share the details; it would be speaking ill of another human being who is alive and walking this earth and already has his own share of problems to deal with. However, what came to me was the weight of the shame, and its power to isolate an individual from society. Because even if I were to detail what happened, no one would really want to hear it. We'd rather get our drama from TV and tabloids, not from someone we actually have to deal with in life. This way we can vent all our unresolved shame, blame, and hate on Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise.
Celebrities deserve every dollar they make, because they serve this function for our culture--being the scapegoat for everyone's sins. Adultery, abusive relationships, and general nastiness are rampant in everyone's lives, but we have to be nice to each other to keep the wheels of society turning. Where does all the anger go, then? Famous, beautiful people are a convenient target. No one wants to look within themselves for the cause of whatever misery they're experiencing.
Not until you hit rock bottom and you have no other choice.
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