Day 20--Focus.

Had a lot that I meant to post today...nothing is feeling true in the moment, though. It occurred to me that I need some kind of tangible goal for this journey--something that people can relate to. But how can I put "living authentically" into a tangible goal?

I would say by the end of this project I would like to be actively, 100% living my calling--bringing peace and harmony and beauty to the world. No "day job." No compromises. When someone asks me what I do, I would have a clear, concise, no-bullshit answer that starts with "I AM." An answer that I'm proud of. All the bills getting paid on time--and being able to afford to live outside my family home. Complete financial and personal integrity.

Today as I drove between the coffee shop and the yoga studio, a song came into my head. It is a song from a musical I saw with the aforementioned "lesbian" friend, and the lyrics go like this:

Sh*t~
Motherf*cker~
F*ck you, you c*nt or a pr*ck~~~
Bloooooowwww~ joooob~
Suck my d*ck!

Being the pottymouth that I am, I began to sing along. And instantly I began to feel weird. Cusswords have a very specific, very powerful vibration, I realized. And saying them causes one to resonate with that vibration. And resonating with the vibration of cusswords causes one to attract circumstances with similar vibrations.

I realized in an instant why parents have taught their children not to swear for millennia. I realized in an instant why I've achieved so little material and social success, and why I have only ever worked jobs that my parents consider "low class." I've been cussing like a sailor since I was 10. I'm very good at it. It is fun to make up creative cusswords such as "f*ck-a-doodle-doo" or "c*ckholder meeting." Everyone goes through that phase, and most people outgrow it. Somehow I never did--but I believe now is the time.

A couple nights ago I dreamed I was reaching into a refrigerator to get a Cherry Coke. I reached in and grabbed the red can, and then when I pulled it out, I noticed I had a black can of Diet Coke in my hand. I put it back and tried again. Diet Coke again. Then a voice from somewhere said, "Focus." I reached into the refrigerator for the third time, seeing a red can with cherries in my mind's eye, never taking my eye off that vision. And the third time, I was able to enjoy a delicious, aspartame-free Cherry Coke.

Upon awakening, I realized that I have been getting Diet Coke results in life, despite having Cherry Coke intentions. Not that Diet Coke is somehow inferior--HFCS is arguably just as bad as aspartame--but I have been getting results that are different from what I intended. My dream provided me a beautiful lesson for life going forward.