Day 20--Focus.

Had a lot that I meant to post today...nothing is feeling true in the moment, though. It occurred to me that I need some kind of tangible goal for this journey--something that people can relate to. But how can I put "living authentically" into a tangible goal?

I would say by the end of this project I would like to be actively, 100% living my calling--bringing peace and harmony and beauty to the world. No "day job." No compromises. When someone asks me what I do, I would have a clear, concise, no-bullshit answer that starts with "I AM." An answer that I'm proud of. All the bills getting paid on time--and being able to afford to live outside my family home. Complete financial and personal integrity.

Today as I drove between the coffee shop and the yoga studio, a song came into my head. It is a song from a musical I saw with the aforementioned "lesbian" friend, and the lyrics go like this:

Sh*t~
Motherf*cker~
F*ck you, you c*nt or a pr*ck~~~
Bloooooowwww~ joooob~
Suck my d*ck!

Being the pottymouth that I am, I began to sing along. And instantly I began to feel weird. Cusswords have a very specific, very powerful vibration, I realized. And saying them causes one to resonate with that vibration. And resonating with the vibration of cusswords causes one to attract circumstances with similar vibrations.

I realized in an instant why parents have taught their children not to swear for millennia. I realized in an instant why I've achieved so little material and social success, and why I have only ever worked jobs that my parents consider "low class." I've been cussing like a sailor since I was 10. I'm very good at it. It is fun to make up creative cusswords such as "f*ck-a-doodle-doo" or "c*ckholder meeting." Everyone goes through that phase, and most people outgrow it. Somehow I never did--but I believe now is the time.

A couple nights ago I dreamed I was reaching into a refrigerator to get a Cherry Coke. I reached in and grabbed the red can, and then when I pulled it out, I noticed I had a black can of Diet Coke in my hand. I put it back and tried again. Diet Coke again. Then a voice from somewhere said, "Focus." I reached into the refrigerator for the third time, seeing a red can with cherries in my mind's eye, never taking my eye off that vision. And the third time, I was able to enjoy a delicious, aspartame-free Cherry Coke.

Upon awakening, I realized that I have been getting Diet Coke results in life, despite having Cherry Coke intentions. Not that Diet Coke is somehow inferior--HFCS is arguably just as bad as aspartame--but I have been getting results that are different from what I intended. My dream provided me a beautiful lesson for life going forward.

Net of Light--day 19

I have found much happiness, comfort, and meaning in the Net of Light visualization ever since I read about it two days ago. I have LONG (since age 13 when I consciously refused to be confirmed in the Lutheran church, knowing that it was not the only Path out there) believed deep inside that we are all One, but it is only recently that I have found other people who share this inner knowing, or ways of consciously projecting it into the world.

There is an amazing peace in knowing that just by taking this simple action--not even an action, but simply focusing my mind on a certain Truth--that I am aligning with my Creator, healing myself and our Earth, and holding space for a better future to fall into place through the transformation of human consciousness.

Two nights ago when my family was out to dinner celebrating my father's 66th birthday, I consciously held the Net of Light during lulls in the conversation. I tried to visualize peace and harmony, even within my family (which actually seems to have plenty of peace and harmony as long as I'm not in the picture).

Of course, the moment you declare who you are, its opposite appears right in your face. On the way home, my sister announced to my father that I'm planning on "moving in with a lesbian," which in addition to being untrue (I'm only thinking about moving in with my friend, and she does not identify as a lesbian, but not as 100% straight either), caused all hell to break loose and my father to state that "you think everything is OK, but you can't expect me to accept you when you do crazy things with crazy people." And then "You should learn to get along with normal people, because there are more normal people than there are crazy people."

Oh, if he only knew the debt we all owe to the world's "crazy people!" The tireless service they render us, preserving and maintaining the shadow side of human society, so that the rest of us can call ourselves normal and say we aren't like "those people!" For how could anyone be "normal" unless there was an "abnormal" to compare it to?

When I was a few years younger, I would have just shut up and let him rant because I knew I could not win, then I would have gone up to my room, hating my father and myself, and buried my emotions in the simpler, more beautiful 8-bit world of my old Nintendo. But it's been a while, so I actually started to argue back before realizing the futility of such an action. My father is never, ever, ever going to see things my way, and furthermore, I don't need him to--I only need to love, honor, and respect him and listen to what he has to say. So I stopped arguing and withdrew into my room, just like in the past. But the Nintendo isn't there anymore; it has been replaced by a sacred altar where I light candles and pray and ask God what the hell I should do about my life.

One thing that has become clear to me is that it is absolutely impossible to control a person who has a direct line to the Divine. And every person has a direct line to the Divine. So in order to achieve goals and outcomes, even the best of us humans will attempt to tell others that "my way is the only way to God." If you get a person believing that, they are much more likely to follow you. I am thinking specifically of Ilchi Lee, founder of Dahn Yoga, who keeps preaching through his books and teachings that humans need to understand the concept of "Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way" if we want to live in peace. Yet he seems to keep falling under accusations of leading a cult and demanding that his "followers" worship him as a "god."

Dahn practice has been incredibly interesting to me. It is not just a yoga class you go to for stretching exercises, even though when I signed up, that was all I was interested in. I have found it to be an opportunity to try on different mindsets, to learn how to control my energy, body, mind, and emotions, and to grow spiritually. Between Dahn practice, the Shamanic Training Program at Life Force Arts Center, and the Christian practices taught at Restore Ministries International, I have acquired an amazing set of "tools" for accessing the inner world and its wisdom. And I've experienced the cost of following this inner wisdom too, as I've had to continually shift my commitments with these organizations based on God's leading. (My name means "ocean" and most of the time I feel like I'm living in the middle of one...) Dahn has been the hardest to "let go" of, because I have felt so deeply connected to--and accepted by--so many of its people. But even if I must let those relationships go for a while, I have to do what I know is right for me.

I guess my education in fashion design wasn't wasted after all, because I have become a sort of "spiritual seamstress." Taking the fabrics of the world's religions, cutting away the nonessential, and sewing the pieces together with the thread of love. Creating beautiful garments that fit actual, individual human beings--making allowances for whatever irregularities and "flaws" each individual might have. For just because a person doesn't fit into the clothes you can get at Wal-Mart, doesn't mean he should have to go naked.

Day 18. I'll post it now and explain it later.

I received this in my email today, forwarded from my future boss. It originated from Shawn Gallaway, an amazing shaman, healer, musician, and loving spirit who has chosen to live a life of love and healing.

Please read and see if any of it resonates with you.

Listen up!!!!! It is with a grieving heart that I ask you to reach out and support our Great Mother Earth in healing at this time. The Grandmothers have spoken and are letting us know that it is time to wake up to the catastrophe that is happening in the Gulf of Mexico right now, and be willing to lend a healing hand as we make our way through this turbulent time. Here is their message.

"You Are Desperately Needed"

"We ask you to cast, anchor, and hold the Net of Light steady for the Gulf of Mexico," the Grandmothers said. "This crisis is affecting the entire world, and humanity is asleep. Wake up!" they cried. "Animals are dying, plants are dying, and your Mother is writhing in agony. If you hold the Net of Light steady at this time you will help stave off further catastrophe.

"You have been lulled into a false sleep," they said, "told that others (B.P.) will take care of this problem. This is not so," they said. "And this is not the time for you to fall into oblivion. Determine now to stay awake, and once you have made that commitment, think of, cast, and hold the Net of Light. Hold it deep and hold it wide. Amplify its reach to penetrate the waters of the Gulf and dive deep beneath the crust of Mother Earth. Anchor it at the earth's core and as you hold it there, ask it to unify with the mineral kingdom of this planet. It will do this and will harmonize with all the solid and liquid mineral states on earth-including oil and gas. The Net of Light will call these minerals back into harmony.

"Whatever human beings have damaged, human beings must correct," the Grandmothers said. "This is the law. We repeat: This is the law. You cannot sit back and ask God to fix the mess humanity has created. Each of you must throw your shoulders to the wheel and work. We are asking for your help. Several years ago we gave you the Net of Light so you would be able to help the earth at times like this. Step forward now. This is the Net of Light that will hold the earth during the times of change that are upon you," they said.

"First move into your heart and call on us. We will meet you there. The Net of Light is lit by the jewel of your heart," they said, "so move into this lighted place within you and open to the Net of which you are a part. Bask in its calming presence. It holds you at the same time that you hold it.

"Now think of magnifying your union with us. We, the Great Council of the Grandmothers, are with you now, and all those who work with the Net of Light are also with you. There are thousands, even millions now connected in light," they said. "Along with this union, call forth the power of the sacred places on earth. These will amplify the potency of our joint effort. Then call on the sacred beings that have come to prevent the catastrophe that threatens to overwhelm your planet. We will work together," they said, nodding slowly.

"Think of, cast and magnify the presence of the Net of Light in the Gulf of Mexico. See, imagine or think of it holding the waters, holding the land, the plants, the sea life, and the people. Holding them all!" they said. "The Net of Light is holding them steady; it is returning them to balance. Let the love within your lighted heart keep pouring into the Net of Light and hold, hold, hold. Calmly and reverently watch as the light from your heart flows along the strands of the Net. It will follow your command and continuously move forth. As soon as you think of it, it will happen. We ask you to practice this for only a few minutes at a time, but to repeat it throughout the day and night.

"We promise that this work with the Net of Light will do untold good," the Grandmothers said. "We are calling you to service now. You are needed. Do not miss this opportunity. We thank you and bless you."


My own thoughts: I believe that in addition to prayer, real human action is needed to correct the situation. However, I believe it is only through spiritual connection that any human can truly determine the right action for himself/herself. So please, if you resonate with this message, please hold the Net of Light with me, and trust that your next step will make itself clear to you. And if you don't believe in what I have said, please don't hate, but instead find something you do believe in and follow it wholeheartedly.

<3,

Linmayu

Dating--day 17

Some time ago I received an intuitive direction to go back on the dating sites.

"Why?" I asked God. "Isn't that technically adultery? Doesn't the Bible say that marriage is for life, even if a divorce occurs--making celibacy my only option? Wasn't that confirmed last year when I was dating and I ended up in the hospital with an unexplainable illness because You were displeased with me?"

"Yes," the voice came back. "But the rules have changed now. Remember, We no longer have the Bible as a barrier between Us, and as long as you obey Me, I will protect you."

So today I went on my first date in almost a year, and now I'm fairly certain what the lessons are.

1. I'm way more attractive than I was a year ago. Last year I was messaging the men; this year they are messaging me.
2. Men are just as mundane and depressing as they were a year ago. They are more fun to talk to now, though.
3. And there is not a man on earth who can possibly compete with the intimacy I have with my Creator, nor fulfill my longings for love and companionship. It is just not possible--not part of the design of this world.

In this world, there is a battle going on between men and women--a fight to the death! Patriarchal fundamentalists square off against feminists. Dating is a game where the man tries to get in the woman's pants without a commitment, and the woman tries to obtain a commitment without sex. And once the wedding rings are on, it's even worse! What is good for the goose is not good for the gander--in fact, our desires and needs seem to be directly opposed, so that what benefits the one actually harms the other.

My dream last night depicted this war in vivid detail. In it, two soldiers with guns came to knock on a woman's door. The woman looked out, and seeing that there were two men and they both had guns, she pulled out her own machine gun and mercilessly opened fire before a single word was said.

The men returned to base. One was unhurt, the other was unconscious and severely wounded. I was given the job of carrying the wounded man to the hospital on foot.

It was a long walk, but he was not heavy to me. Somehow, it felt good and right that I was doing this. I finally reached the hospital, and the doctors there (both men and women) assured me that the man would live and that they could treat his wounds. And then I waited...

After I woke up and went into meditation, I saw the wounded man again, this time lying asleep on a bed of flowers. I saw his face clearly this time, and I know who he is. He is the one who is going to enter my life in the future. He is not the one I have been hoping for, but he is just as wonderful as that one, or will be once he awakens.

I do believe there is a potential for love and beauty and harmony to exist between men and women. I just haven't seen it yet. My life has looked like the war scene in my dream--men have hurt me in the past, and whenever I see one, I do have a strong tendency to immediately open fire.

I should remember that I also have the capacity to bring them to healing--and that this task is rewarding in and of itself. I should also remember that I am not the one actually doing the healing--my task is only to bring the wounded person to the Divine.

That is probably the reason God wants me on those annoying dating sites...

Always facing disapproval--day 16

A friend of mine in Oklahoma is taking a brave step out into authenticity tomorrow by attending a pro-choice rally at the State Capitol. I am very proud of her because she is risking a degree of social acceptance in order to make her voice--and the voices of countless Oklahoman women who may not have her courage or freedom--heard by the state government.

This is the kind of choice everyone needs to make--whether to risk displeasure or judgment from outside in order to give birth to what is inside. It doesn't have to be a huge thing--just something that forces one to deal with discomfort, in whatever form.

As for me, I recently let some of my yoga-related commitments fall by the wayside, due to changes in my work schedule that I was unable to prevent. I am feeling guilt and a sense of failure about this. Really, I was getting to the point where my practice and training were no longer enhancing my own mission, but replacing it. No longer helping me get in touch with my Source, but making me feel like I was on a treadmill and HAD to just keep running.

In a shamanic journey meditation during my instructor training in January, I had seen an arrow pointing straight ahead--signaling to me that the Dahn Yoga path--continuing my training until I became a master, then devoting my life to the cause--was unquestionably right for me. And I had been following it wholeheartedly, changing my work schedule and leaving my Christian ministry and my volunteer commitments. But recently I received another vision. I was on a snowy path and the road ahead of me became a fork. I could have gone left, or I could have gone right. I went right--and then I went off the path altogether, and created my own path in between the two paths.

Another vision, when I specifically asked whether I should continue, showed me that I will indeed take the path of the Dahn master, but that it will be a slow journey for me. I saw that I will indeed devote my life to healing the world, but (as usual) I have to break from the "approved" path in order to do it. I have to source my journey from within, or else I will not really be able to heal anyone or improve anyone's life...

but man, the disapproval I'm currently facing really sucks.

Day 15

Blargh. Day 15, which came right after day 14. It's after midnight and I have not been wanting to blog or write or look inside myself at all whatsoever. I talk to coworkers, surf the web, obsessively check my email, anything to avoid looking into myself. I'm not immune just because I've committed to doing this work. I feel like crawling back up into my mother's womb and just staying there forever.

This morning during yoga class I received another piece to the betrayal/forgiveness puzzle. I was lying on the floor in a relaxation pose and my mind wandered to the man I currently love (secretly and unrequitedly). As the sound of his name resonated in my mind, I felt this turbulence, this sexual, emotional charge over my heart--and then became painfully aware of the presence of something else underneath it.

I saw that my feelings of love, all those delicious and ecstatic emotions, had been swirling around for months distracting me from a piece of inner work I had been neglecting--that of forgiving this other person who betrayed me so deeply. I saw that unless I forgave that person, I would keep drawing the experience of betrayal into my life over and over again through my beloved. In fact, that is exactly what I have been doing for eight months.

And then I saw that there was nothing to forgive. The person who I thought betrayed me--he actually did no such thing. He actually did a beautiful thing for me. When this person came into my life, my soul was very dark and negative, self-destructive and full of hate and envy--almost pure evil. And I acted that evil out--on him and others--for a long time. After several years, I woke up one day and found myself actually wanting to be good and to do good for others. And then, almost immediately afterwards, this person disappeared from my life and took all my evil with him.

I hope God has been good to him.

Day 14

2 weeks into this? Already?! Time has been flying by so fast. My purpose is at the same time 100% clear and 100% unknown. I know I am to keep faithfully following the leadings of Spirit--but I do not know where Spirit is leading me.

My research, after having read Balance Point, has led me one step further into the spiritual fringes, to a site called Operation Terra. I spent the last two days devouring all the information on the site, and feel called to share it, despite the cult accusations popping up on the Internet. (It seems that everything I get involved with seems to be surrounded by cult accusations, from Dahn Yoga to the Catholic Church, so I take these things with a rather large grain of salt and follow my internal guidance above all else.)

Personally, I am resonating with the material on Operation Terra, albeit in a somewhat resistant manner. I do not believe any of the information on the site can or should be taken literally or read with the literal, intellectual mind. But I definitely resonate with the instructions given for those "destined for Terra." The instructions are to "let go and let God," to allow my energy to be cleansed, to release all stagnant energy or blockages within myself, to make my spiritual practice the center of my life, to simplify, to not get sucked into the endless drama being hawked by the media, to go within for answers, and to have the courage to face any opposition for living my truth from within.

Not to mention, the idea that there were multiple UFO sightings in the Bible (mentioned on the recommended reading list) is worthy of research, if for nothing else but amusement value.

**************************************

I began singing in the car on the drive home today, pulling a new song out of the ether. And as I sang, awareness of a large energy blockage surfaced within me. I have not fully dealt with a recent betrayal that has shown up in my life, and I have been carrying its ugly, hateful energies with me for quite some time.

Feelings came up as I sang, and I translated the feelings into words, and the words became answers. Any betrayal, whether it's the loss of a friend, a job, or a romantic relationship, comes packaged with a hefty dose of shame, which makes us often unwilling to talk about what happened. This is definitely the case for me, and even in my desire to be transparent, I don't feel it's appropriate to share the details; it would be speaking ill of another human being who is alive and walking this earth and already has his own share of problems to deal with. However, what came to me was the weight of the shame, and its power to isolate an individual from society. Because even if I were to detail what happened, no one would really want to hear it. We'd rather get our drama from TV and tabloids, not from someone we actually have to deal with in life. This way we can vent all our unresolved shame, blame, and hate on Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise.

Celebrities deserve every dollar they make, because they serve this function for our culture--being the scapegoat for everyone's sins. Adultery, abusive relationships, and general nastiness are rampant in everyone's lives, but we have to be nice to each other to keep the wheels of society turning. Where does all the anger go, then? Famous, beautiful people are a convenient target. No one wants to look within themselves for the cause of whatever misery they're experiencing.

Not until you hit rock bottom and you have no other choice.

Day 10

Over the past couple days I've been immersed in a frenzy of study, realization, and change. This has led me, not to a destination, but a few concrete steps forward on the journey. I will attempt to summarize my findings here:

1. This came to me in a meditation: We (humans, particularly Westerners) are stealing from the earth without giving back. What does the earth want us to give back? Poop.

Yes, poop.

I remember reading once that human fecal matter is one of the most effective fertilizers in existence. With this in mind, I googled a bit, and found that composting human excrement has been done with great success, and is apparently not as gross as one might think. If done properly, it becomes pleasant-smelling and pathogen-free. I believe this is an idea whose time has come--with the world's drinking water supply declining and becoming more and more contaminated, we simply cannot afford to continue pooping in our drinking water. Sadly, I doubt I'll be ready to begin composting any time soon, however, it is a project on my list for the future.

2. I've been feeling somewhat guilty about the level of luxury in my life, which allows me to do ridiculous things like buy and wear gothic lolita clothing (although this fashion can actually be indulged in somewhat sustainably--a subject for a later post). This is because on the other side of the world, there are forgotten women who must spend their lives alone, abandoned and cast out by their families and societies, in shocking poverty and constant, unimaginable, and permanent suffering. I am talking about women with obstetric fistula. I can't imagine a worse fate--The alternative, dying in childbirth, actually seems preferable.

These women suffer because of poverty and ignorance. They are married off at a young age--often being forced to have sex with much older men before their menstruation has even started. And they suffer because the societies in which they live do not value women as full human beings, but only as baby-making machines. I know I must do something to help these people--something more than simply making a $20 donation to charity. Plans are slowly being birthed, and will be detailed in a future post.

3. Yesterday God's movement in my own life became apparent, and I am officially transitioning over the next two weeks. The transition has been, and will continue to be, clean and elegant. Specifically, I am very happy to report that in two weeks, I will start (again) as Assistant Director of Life Force Arts Center, an awesome nonprofit organization dedicated to spiritually-based visual, literary, and performing arts. And this time around, I'll be getting paid enough to cover my basic expenses, which means I can devote my full focus to advancing the cause of art and spirituality.

I have been dreaming of this moment--literally and figuratively--for a long, long time--in fact, more than a year ago I was praying to God to remove me from my job and place me in a more suitable one. I had been thinking to take a lower-paid position at Hobby Lobby or another craft-related store, but the Lord had bigger plans. He kept me at CFS and pushed me into a supervisory role, then a management role. I am not the same person I was a year ago--I have grown exponentially in marketable skill. And now that I'm coming full circle at LFAC, I will need to constantly call upon this skill that I have acquired by the Lord's leading and guidance.

4. The price of authenticity. This new role comes with a significant pay cut for me. Possibly I could have asked for more, and may have gotten it, however, I do not feel right about taking more from a nonprofit organization than I require to pay my basic living expenses. Now if I had been better about managing my money in the past, and therefore been debt-free now, my expenses would be much lower and I could work for less. Like the medical missionaries of Mercy Ships, who sail to poor countries at their own expense to provide much-needed healthcare services to people who cannot obtain them in any other way. How much more good could I do if I required less to live on, or if I could generate the material wealth I needed on my own time, allowing me to be able to give myself fully to a cause that does not pay?

Because the worthiest causes do not pay. Helping the poorest and most forgotten people on the earth is not something our corporations consider valuable. Additionally, I keep feeling that I need to increase my financial contribution to the world, even as I take on less lucrative career paths. There must be a way I can create an income stream that allows me to be free to help other people, free to give away millions of dollars to charity, free to obtain the education and training I'll need to carry out whatever mission I'm given. I believe the Being who created humanity gives each person the resources he needs to complete his calling. This, too, is a subject to be more fully explored in another post.

5. This is the World Scientists' Warning to Humanity. It was published almost TEN YEARS AGO, and it scares the fuck out of me. Basically we have ten, maybe twenty, years left to stop the hazardous course our civilizations are on before the whole world goes to hell in a handbasket.

Now this is not a conspiracy theory by religious extremists--although religions have been (mostly fruitlessly) warning us to act right from the beginning. This was created by 1600 senior scientists from 71 countries, including half of all
Nobel Laureates. In other words, the greatest scientists alive in our time. However, when it came out, the media declared it "unnewsworthy" and did not publish it. I only knew about it from reading Balance Point, which I found by accident while googling for poop. This is another subject worthy of its own post.

Now, this is a lot. It is a lot of information to process through my brain. It is a lot of direction for my life, and I really don't know where the fuck it will lead me.

Somehow, after just 10 days of this journey, I am getting the idea that I am about to live an extraordinary, strange life.

Day 8

This morning I met a new member at my yoga studio, an Indian woman probably about my age. She spoke with a distinct accent, and asked me if I could speak Telugu. Ashamed, I told her I didn't know how to speak any Indian languages, only my parents do. Surprisingly, she still remained friendly with me.

I've always tried to avoid networking with Indian people because this flaw of mine is bound to come out sooner rather than later. I lost my culture at a young age. My parents had decided that their children should learn only English as a first language, so that we would not become confused when we went to school. However, my parents didn't expect that their school-aged children would all wholeheartedly refuse to learn Tamil once we were old enough to choose. Nor did they expect that they would have no support from society in getting their children to act right. According to American culture, which supports and encourages rebellion, we were acting right by choosing for ourselves.

However, I can't honestly call my choice authentic. On the one hand, I truly love American culture. I love freedom, rebellion, the English language, blue jeans, rock music, video games, and the list goes on. On the other hand, I know I consciously chose to identify with my American side and not my Indian side because I feared the racism of my childhood peers. Looking back, I envy the more courageous girls who danced bharatanatyam instead of ballet or wore salwar kameez instead of jeans and shorts.

Were they really more courageous, though, or just more afraid of their relatives than they were of their classmates? I'll never know. And if I choose to embrace my Indian side now, am I doing it to get closer to my true nature or am I doing it for social gain?

Perhaps both. When I show up at a family gathering in a sari and Indian jewelry, it makes my grandmother smile in a way she wouldn't if I showed up in jeans with 14-gauge belly rings in my ears. I've found that dress is a language of its own, a way of connecting, of aligning oneself visibly with another person. It can also be a way of disconnecting, of asserting one's separation from the other person or group.

It's worth playing with--whether or not I manage to actually learn Tamil while my grandmother is alive.

Beauty and perfection

Day 4

The good news: I've finally figured out where my beauty is and how to access it.

In traditional Indian culture, it was expected for every woman to get dressed up, style her hair, paint her face, and adorn herself with jewelry as if she was the most beautiful woman on earth--even if she is actually very ugly. This may be why I keep hearing things like "Indian women are the most beautiful in the world" or "All Indian women are beautiful." Any woman who treats herself as a precious and beautiful creature is extremely likely to also receive such treatment from others.

This morning I was getting my hair done, and since it was morning, I was ugly. My face looked puffy, frowny, and generally unattractive. As I looked in the mirror, though, I kept telling myself, "I know there's beauty in there somewhere. I've seen pictures of me that look really good, and people call me beautiful all the time, so I must be beautiful."

I could just as easily have said to myself, as I have many times for many years, "D*mn, I'm ugly. Look at that scary face! God, why did You make me so ugly? And I'm going to keep getting uglier every day because I'm getting old. No wonder I'm divorced and men don't look at me." But at this point, talking to or about myself like that feels like being violated, and I won't do it.

Sometimes I wonder if God is going to shoot me down for my arrogance, because these days I'm always calling myself smart and pretty and awesome. It's really not me who is any of those things. I'm extremely fortunate that God made me those things, and extremely grateful to Her for doing so.

The bad news: I'm tired and stressed out. I have too many spiritual practices, too many careers, too many interests, even too many wonderful friends. I love them all but I can't possibly manage them all.

The biggest thing is that I have too many expectations on myself. I expect myself to be perfect, to be extremely successful, make good money, and all that. Especially, I expect myself to manage my time perfectly so that I never miss a day of yoga training, my bills are always paid on time, I always eat healthy, there's always extra money in the checking account, I'm always 15 minutes early to work (and everything else), and I get 8 1/2 hours of sleep a night (or somehow become good and self-denying enough to get by on 4 like everyone else). Oh, and blog every day, both here and on my Brain Peace blog which I do for Dahn Yoga. And find time to practice bellydance, organize performances, and make my own clothes. And weigh 105 lbs. And learn to sing and act. And keep in better contact with all my friends, and learn every style of yoga, and read at least 1 new book every month, and play through all the Final Fantasy games I've missed, and the list goes on and on and on. Forever.

I feel like if I don't have all these things handled, then I'm obviously not good enough as a person, because someone else would be able to do it. In fact there's probably someone out there who is 18 years old and actively doing it, in which case I'm completely stupid and worthless and deserving of ridicule from everyone.

Yeah. What was that I said 5 paragraphs ago about not talking crap to myself?

I hope the Higher Power can forgive me for not being perfect, and even more that I can forgive myself. God is infinitely loving and forgiving in nature, but I am only human...

and as day 2 and day 3 run together into one, something begins

One of the tiles in my mosaic of spiritual practices involves chanting the Heavenly Code (Chun Bu Kyung), an ancient Korean scripture about nine thousand years old. Here is an English translation:

One begins unmoved moving,
That has no beginning.
One divides to three crowns,
While remaining a limitless mover.
Heaven comes first,
Earth comes second,
Human comes third.
One gathers to build ten,
And infinite forms become the trinity (of heaven, earth, human).
Heaven gains two to make three.
Earth gains two to make three.
Three trinities make six,
And they create seven, and eight, nine appears,
And there comes a turning.
Three and four form a circle,
Five with seven makes one whole.
Way-less is the way all comes and all goes,
Features are changing, and change-less is the maker.
Divine mind is eternal light,
Looking toward celestial light.
Human bears heaven and earth,
And the three make one.

The essence of the scripture is in its last sentence: heaven, earth, and humanity are together one entity, and every individual human being contains this entity. I believe that this is true. I also believe it is the same message Jesus brought to the world two thousand years ago. As much as possible, I try to source my life from the awareness of this unity.

Yesterday many people were laid off from my company, including a good friend of mine. No doubt some jealous hatred has been turned on me for the fact that I am still there. I'm fairly used to this, though--it comes with the territory of being talented and not hiding it, and it has been with me my entire life.

The fact is that everyone is supremely talented, but not everyone knows that they are. And if I believe that someone else is talented or beautiful and I am not, of course I'm going to hate and envy that person, be mad at God, and bear ill will toward that person. This is a story almost as old as humankind itself, so I can at least take some comfort in the fact I'm not alone.

*****************************************************

After work I met up with friends for a night of alcohol-fueled dancing at Berlin. It was 2 a.m. before we even got to the club, and though I still wore my corporate attire, I felt right at home amidst the dancing transvestites and assorted weirdos. The earth moved, the heavens opened. Was it religious experience, a sexual experience, or just a plain old good time? All three, I think, though my clothes stayed on and I certainly wasn't singing Amazing Grace. We stepped out for a moment to get some fresh air, and the world just felt right. Like everything was exactly in its proper order, and good things were lined up for the future.

It was, quite simply, the exact feeling I'd been chasing for my entire youth, caught a few times but never really knew it. The feeling that generations of parents, usually fruitlessly, warn you away from, fearing that one night of freedom will turn their precious babies into drug addicts, prostitutes, or worse--independent, self-defining adults. I remarked to my friend, "This is what being young is supposed to be like!" We grabbed fried food at 4am, stayed up until 6 talking about art and astrology and shamanism and sex. This is just as American as cubicles and Cubs games--the constantly vibrating, underground, heart-pumping shadow side of our culture--and I love it.

The drive home was terrifying; as soon as I dropped my friend off, the energy evaporated and suddenly it was hard to keep my eyes open. Harder than ever before in my life. But I made it back to the otherworld that is the suburbs, where I happily slept the morning away in my feng shui'ed bedroom, continuing the night's activities through a dream journey before being rudely awakened by my father pounding on the door.

Was he rude to wake me up, or was I rude to be asleep at 11:45 on a Friday morning? I quickly wrote my morning pages and dove back into my "normal" life--talking to my dad about work, staying home after he left so I could wait for a delivery of sinks for the bathroom remodeling, making plans for the meeting I need to attend tonight. Embracing the everyday along with the transcendent, smoothly moving from one world to another. I see no other way to live and remain a whole person.

YES! Day 1

Last night while consulting my sources, I received the message to begin the year immediately. And what better way to begin it than to define exactly what it means to live authentically?

Turns out that I'm not the first person to attempt this journey--not even the first on Blogspot. And so I will link to I Should Be Wise, whose wonderful description I will use as a starting point:

In a by no means exhaustive list, I believe people live authentically when they:

• treat both themselves and others with respect and compassion;
• are less anchored in the past and less worried about the future, but live in the moment;
• eat and drink healthy food and beverages mindfully, ethically, and sustainably;
• take care of their bodies, minds, and souls by exercising each;
• don't eat, drink, use drugs, shop, have sex, or engage in other addictive behavior in order to try to heal psychic wounds or holes in their souls;
• heal psychic wounds by doing necessary tough inner work, by grieving what needs to be grieved, and by forgiving themselves and others;
• don't use narrow understandings of ineffable matters (God, for instance) to harm, marginalize, hate, or judge others;
• engage in work with a purpose of higher good, a purpose that is not solely amassing as much wealth as possible;
• are grateful for the abundance in their lives and are willing to share it;
• remain curious and open to learning and new experiences; and
• love easily, frequently, and cosmically.
  

To me, all these things are very important facets of living authentically. And taken together, they point to a definition: Living authentically means living one's life according to one's own God-given, Self-defined vision, with full integrity, responsibility, focus, and conscious awareness.

And that means my vision must now become defined. As of now I have only a vague idea of my mission and purpose in life. I know it has to do with mastering the physical body, creating beauty, spreading kindness, and teaching others how to find the truth about life, God, and who they are. I know it has to do with embodying feminine values and feminine Divinity. And I know it has to do with love and healing. But can I spin that into a concrete way to actually live on this planet and keep body and soul together?

It must be possible, or I would not have been given the desire to do it.

The Year of Living Authentically

Inspired by my experiences of yoga, shamanic practice, Wiccan ritual, and Christian belief, as well as A. J. Jacobs' The Year of Living Biblically,. My version will have somewhat less Bible--less of anything most people would recognize, actually--and mostly just a whole lot of direct, unmediated contact with the Divine (or what I believe is the Divine).

I am going to take an entire year of my life and use it as a sacred container, a sacred space of sorts--in which I will follow my own soul's calling with 100% authenticity--and you, dear reader, get to learn from my mistakes experience.

Now this "living authentically" business may not sound particularly difficult or impressive, however, anyone who has actually tried it--in this world--for any length of time will attest to the challenges (and opportunities) it entails. What happens, say, when your desire to do the work you love causes a 50% pay cut (and you're already in debt), or when your longing to worship in your own way gets you booted out of your marriage because you can't relate to your spouse anymore? (I can answer the second question from experience--you spend a year and a half in the pit of despair. While you're there, though, you begin to discover who you really are, make countless connections with new allies, and finally come out a new person.)

Can't say exactly when the year will officially begin, but the project begins now, in this moment. (Actually, it began in a moment several hours ago today. I conceived the idea while I stood in an empty call center, throwing the remnants of a hundred people's hopes into the recycling bin.)

Now, to retire. I must spend some time speaking with the Man Upstairs to receive direction on exactly how to manifest this intention.