Day 21--Vibration.

Over the weekend, I picked up a book on medicinal aromatherapy, in response to a message I received from Spirit some months ago to begin researching the plant world. I devoured the entire book right away, as I usually do, and became incredibly intrigued at various ways I might heal my own life (and those of others) via plant essences. I've definitely got things in my life that need healing. My experiments in the dating world have driven a few points home with great emphasis:

1. Overweight--even slightly overweight--is to me an unattractive and depressing sight in a potential mate. However, I am 15 lbs overweight myself.
2. Financial woes are equally unattractive and depressing to me in a dating partner. However, I am $20,000 in debt myself.

I asked myself whether these two symptoms had a single, shared root cause. The answer came back yes. The root cause is shame, the belief that one is inherently bad, and it always develops as a direct result of a love deficiency.

In my case, I looked in the mirror and saw this beautiful, intelligent, sharp, energetic woman buried under this thick layer of fat. (I've been bigger than average since I was little. I used to absolutely detest myself for it and pour tremendous amounts of effort into keeping myself at a just-barely-overweight level. Then at some point I gave up and just let myself go, to the point where I weighed 160 lbs on my 4'10" frame and could barely tie my shoes. I've since lost most of that weight but the last 15 lbs just wouldn't budge, so I became resigned to it.)

It's time to become un-resigned, because it's so obvious to me that I'm using the fat as a shield. It makes me feel bigger, more substantial, and less vulnerable. No one can get through it to see who I really am. In fact, I can't get through it to see who I am myself. Whatever is under the fat scares me to death. That is shame. And the most insidious thing about shame is that it makes a person easily fall into a downward spiral of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-flagellation--often leading to actions that intensify the outward problem. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm so lazy, that's why I can't lose this weight, I'll never be considered attractive..." And that quickly leads to "...I might as well eat 400 calories of chocolate a day. I should at least have SOME pleasure in life, shouldn't I?" Pure poison.

But back to the point of my story. I went to the local new age shop and asked for plant essences that would help with the issue of shame. The lady suggested Scotch pine essential oil applied topically, combined with Mimulus flower essence, taken in a glass of water. She warned me that the Mimulus would bring whatever is causing my shame to come to the surface, and that I would have to do the necessary spiritual work to heal it myself. Fair enough.

When I applied the pine oil, it felt great...for about 5 minutes. Then I noticed I had a headache, difficulty breathing, and my energy just didn't feel right. This lasted about 30 minutes, during which time I also took the mimulus essence. I continued to feel sick for a little while, and then suddenly my heart and body just opened up and I felt really, really good. I felt like I was fundamentally OK, inside and out. This was a level of vibration that had previously been inaccessible to me. That is how plant essences work, I am told. Each plant has its own vibration, and when applied to your body, the vibration of the essence harmonizes with the vibration of your body, bringing you into a vibrational state more conducive to physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Learning and experiencing more of this is definitely going to be a part of my path. I wonder if my diagnosis will prove itself accurate. If I was right and my weight problem is really a shame problem, I ought to drop the weight naturally--via inner promptings to change my lifestyle--once I get my body/mind/spirit to the right vibration. Time will tell.