Day 50--from bad to WTF

Today was a day of high tension. I left work way early because I couldn't stand to be there trying to pull random passersby in the door when I knew deep inside I needed to be doing something else. Was I just running away from my recurring problem of the fear of promoting myself? Quite possibly.

While chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo with Joan this morning, I kept getting that I need to stand on my own two feet, completely, as a professional artist, teacher, healer, and everything else that I do--that I can't be anyone's employee anymore. I haven't quit working for her, though. I asked for the rest of the week off to make that decision. It's a big one and I need to make sure that I'm right, and that I have at least a snowball's chance in hell of surviving! I need to check out the opportunity I've found and make sure it isn't going to 1) be impossible or 2) send most of my money to someone else.

In addition, I kept getting that I need to renew myself energetically, so that I can attract more money energy. I got the same message last night from both my father and my yoga master, so I'm pretty sure it's the right one. Joan and I were both talking about how do we attract clientele with more money to spend? Neither of us really had a clue. I tend to avoid people who have a lot of money, and with good reason--everyone I know who has a lot of money seems to be focused on getting some of mine!

Is it even possible to have money without greed? Is it possible to have enough, to just be satisfied? All I see is the two extremes: people like myself struggling tooth and nail, while those who have figured it out position themselves over us to take what little we have for themselves. I do not want to become one of those greedy mofos--but I'm not keen on starving, either!

There is, as always, a middle road, which I was seeking in my decision to allow Google ads on the blog. If the ads that showed up were actually relevant to what I'm writing, then I'd quite possibly be helping my readers MORE by displaying them. They seem to be at least semi-relevant, though I'm seeing ads for modalities such as Reiki that I have not studied and honestly probably won't. So, I can't knowledgeably recommend these things. I wish there were some way to control what shows up with greater accuracy.

However, in another sense, there is no middle road. The controversial Bible verse, Matthew 13:12, is actually the truth when it comes to finances: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him." When I was working in the customer service department for a large bank, I observed this in great detail. This particular bank marketed its services to lower-income individuals--and created its rules in such a way that people had to be EXTREMELY careful to avoid getting caught in a never-ending downward spiral of overdraft fees.

Anyway, though, that's the law of attraction at work. It's just the way things are, and it's best to learn how to work with it.

Day 48--an unlikely blessing

So. Today I woke up just like any other morning, and got in the car to go to work, and when I started driving, I heard a horrible screeching sound coming from the back of my car. Upon getting out to check it, I discovered my muffler was dragging on the ground. Not good! So I called AAA, only to be informed that even though my membership card said it was valid until 8/31/10, it actually wasn't valid due to my change in marital status. OK, no problem. I could renew it via my credit card; I still had way more than $57 available on there (though I'd certainly be maxed out after the upcoming car repairs).

Hmm, not so much. Turns out because of some problem with the bank, I'm unable to use my card for anything until tomorrow. So, I could neither get my car fixed today, nor could I go to work.

Actually, I was somewhat relieved by the whole situation. Part of me had been dreading going into work today, even though I love my job. I think I just really needed the day to regroup, refocus, chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, and devote some serious effort to consciously creating my future.

Tomorrow will be back to the beloved grind, but I'm thankful I was forced to take the time to reset my sails today.

What about you? Was there a time when something bad happened to you and it turned out to be a huge blessing?

Day 47

Just a short blurb for today, but I've apparently become part of the Urban Loli Experiment* today! :D With a body like this, that's probably the closest I'll get to the modeling world...unless it isn't! I'm working hard on my physical fitness after all...so only time will tell!

I don't really have any desire to be a professional model, but I love to express myself through fashion. And, due to certain circumstances, my time left to do so may be limited! So, I hope to get as many good photoshoots done as possible in the time I do have.

*YEAH, it's probably just because the lady responsible for Urban Loli is my dear friend Grace! But, to me, it is all Divine providence. There are all sorts of amazing things coming into being through our friendship, many of which I hope to write about in future posts or in the book!

day 46--struggling with God and with men

My heart still lies in pieces in its house in my chest. This is something that will haunt me every day of my life--that I have completely alienated yet another man I had feelings for. And nothing I can say or do will un-alienate him. And even though it's actually a good thing for me to not have him in my life or in my mind, I wonder if I had to do it that way--to put myself out on a limb like that to be shot down.

Really, I was hoping to form a deeper connection with him. I should have simply said that, rather than all the stuff I did say. What I did say was truer than anything I'd ever said to a person before, but it was still not the whole Truth of what I really desired to express to him. It was still cowardly, dramatastic, and did not get to the heart of the matter. And now I don't have another shot.

My email to my ex-mother-in-law bounced back, and I don't know if it's just an error, or if she has blocked me. I tried her other email address. I'm prepared to receive judgment from her as well.

And this is enough problems without even thinking about my financial situation.


*********************************

That was how Saturday started off. I asked the Lord why all this was coming at me, and He replied "because your heart is not yet clean." So, in order to cleanse my heart, I did an extended bowing meditation that day. 1000 bows. It took me several hours, and took me past the limits of my physical body. But when I would feel some part of my body get worn out, then I would stretch it to its fullest extension on the next bow, and would find myself flooded with seemingly limitless new energy.

And while I was bowing, humbling myself and connecting with the Divine, I received an answer to at least one of the problems. I learned that even though I'd received such a strong sense the previous day (confirmed by my friend's tarot reading) that I had lost this man from my life, I didn't have to accept this--at least not without one last attempt at expressing the truth. So, after 1000 bows, I made the attempt. I was clear, direct, to the point, and apologized for the embarrassing previous communication. Then after 81 more, I had a reply from him. A very nonjudgmental reply. No, he didn't confess his undying love for me--I already knew that wasn't going to happen. But, I felt heard and understood, and I feel I understood him. The deeper connection I had hoped for--and based on truth!

I feel like I have touched a great power. Humbled, reverent, in awe. I have struggled with God and with men, and have overcome. Going forward, this will be a very different world for me to live in.

But there is still much more cleaning left to do.

Day 45--the price of authenticity

It hurts. It really freaking hurts.

The other day, I received an unmistakable, undeniable message from the Divine. To stop hiding behind poetry and tell him straight out how I felt. I wrote out the message and everything, then after a day and a half of tripping out and deliberating, I revised it and sent it out.

He has not responded, and I have a strong sense he will not. Ever. I have a strong sense I've permanently lost him, even as a friend--as much as he ever was truly my friend to begin with.

I didn't really know who he was. I "loved" him though I didn't really know who he was. I still don't really know who he is. And I never will.

On some level, I know why it all happened. God is pruning me. He has a purpose for me that I cannot see. Three days in a row I have received visions of a passionate ballet pas de deux with Jesus Christ, who lifted me above the cares of the world and let me feel the perfect freedom of motion in harmony with His will. He wanted to break my heart open so that I could see inside it and have compassion for others.

But it still fscking hurts.

And now I've been called to do it again, with another person in a much different situation.

I wrote up the email, sincerely apologizing to a person I have hurt very badly in the past (actually, I really hurt her son, but you know how it is, the mother suffers the child's pain--and I've already apologized to the son, who refused to hear it and wants nothing to do with me). Lord only knows what I'll get back from that one.

I am just tired of repeatedly receiving the message that I don't matter to people. So. Very. Tired. I am so very tired of attracting, and being attracted to, people who are coded to give me the message that they don't love me and I don't matter to them.

I am f*cking tired of it. You have no idea. I want to cry my eyes out, but getting a tear out of them is like squeezing blood from a turnip. Whoever gave the statistic that women cry 5 times a month on average is full of it--I wish I could cry 5 times a year.

F******************************ck.

The road of authenticity is a ruthless one, I am finding. And at the same time, it is a road of unimaginable beauty, a road of friendships deep and true. With people who don't share my karma, who are able to achieve things that are impossible for me. People who don't believe they have to be constantly abused, denied, and ignored. People who know they deserve to live. These people are a constant inspiration to me.

Day 40--back in the saddle

Apparently a year of living authentically involves two weeks of not blogging about it while I get my (fscking) act together. I could say "Shame on me!" but I'm not going to.

The essence of the Scotch pine has been a faithful ally throughout these weeks, always opening me to the vibration of love. Sometimes too literally! On June 12, which was day 32, I was in the shamanism class and during one of the journeys, I knew a Scotch pine tree--in the biblical sense. Really giving a new meaning to the term "treehugger." And then became fruitful and multiplied. I became a tree-human, with arm-branches heavy with oranges. (Oranges on a pine tree...yeah...don't ask questions). I became the sunlight on the grove of trees, coaxing a flowering plant into bloom, then enjoying the sensation of its petals against my skin. I became an owl in flight, swooping down to land amidst the flowers, then I became the flowers, then I became the soil in which they grew, as earthworms and sowbugs crawled through my body, creating more new life.

On the topic of love, this sums up my experience of today:

from the phoenix to the dragon

I'd be a fool to think
I could ever be your companion.
You seem to stay ten steps ahead of me--
always pointing the way ahead,
always showing how the impossible can be done.

And I remember seeing you in a vision
at the top of the red rock mountain,
waiting patiently for me to climb out of the pit.

And I remember that day when you held me tight within your strong arms
and would not let me go,
gently squeezing out my fear,
gently teasing out the tangled yet still unbroken thread of love.

I love the way my most shameful secrets
rolled off the surface of your Teflon mind,
never again to be mentioned or remembered.

And though my heart so often breaks to see you,
knowing you belong to another and I am vowed to solitude,
always you smile a moment later,
and I have no choice but to love you again.

I could explain, but I won't, not without his permission to be mentioned outright. And I don't have the courage to ask him. So, that story will have to wait until the book comes out--if the book comes out. I have been getting the message from Spirit to sink myself deeper into art--specifically dance--and to write a different, more commercially viable book.

Actually, thinking about it, this one WILL still be written. If I don't write it, I will be out of integrity with myself.

And if I don't get off this computer and put on some belly dance music in short order, the same.

Day 22--Creation

Well, the mimulus (or the suggestion) did exactly as expected. I awoke late this morning from a dream in which I met with a woman from my distant past--a woman who started off as my friend, but ended up walking off with everything I had (including my significant other at the time). In the dream I relived the shame of my ultimate defeat, and attempted to take revenge by violently attacking the woman. But though I succeeded in slightly damaging her body, I did not obtain satisfaction, nor did I get back what was stolen--and worse, I became a monster myself.

Upon awakening and recalling the dream, I received clarity on its meaning:

"You have learned that you can't win or have power by hating another or fearing an outcome. She fed on your fear and hatred, and grew stronger and obtained power over you--because you fed it to her.

"If you instead hold the vision of Love, she will grow smaller, less powerful. She will not be able to keep Love from you. The cancer--all that is not Love--will be dissolved in the light of love.

"By the way, this works for actual cancer too. Doctors these days treat cancer by cutting it out or feeding it poison to destroy it. But the cancer is the body's own cells. By hating and fearing the cancer, they actually give it more power. When the surgeon cuts it out, he often must also remove part of the patient's body--the cancer claims those parts.

"Instead, if you hold the vision of love over your body--imagining every individual cell as a point of Divine Light--casting the Net of Light over your body just like you would over the Earth--you will create an environment in which the cancer cannot survive--in fact doesn't even want to survive. You create an environment in which the cells want to work in harmony with the body's design."

At this point I was afraid I was about to be diagnosed with cancer in order to prove this theory. But then my Source gently reminded me that I could use it to help others, specifically my sister's ferrets who have adrenal disease and insulinoma due to being inbred (like most ferrets sold at pet stores). I've given the ferrets energy healing before and they seem to like it. If I send chi to them while they are sleeping, they get really alert and crazy really quickly. Hmmm.

Well, I gave them some more healing today, while holding the vision in my mind of two healthy ferret bodies filled with Divine Light in every cell. I should also teach my sister how to do this meditation, and we'll see what happens.

I am so thankful to my Lord Jesus, my Divine Source. He has been silently, tirelessly working with me to pull back the veil from over all creation, showing me just how much I am able to do if I align myself with Him.

"And Jesus answered and said to them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will happen."
--Matthew 21:21, New American Standard Bible

Day 21--Vibration.

Over the weekend, I picked up a book on medicinal aromatherapy, in response to a message I received from Spirit some months ago to begin researching the plant world. I devoured the entire book right away, as I usually do, and became incredibly intrigued at various ways I might heal my own life (and those of others) via plant essences. I've definitely got things in my life that need healing. My experiments in the dating world have driven a few points home with great emphasis:

1. Overweight--even slightly overweight--is to me an unattractive and depressing sight in a potential mate. However, I am 15 lbs overweight myself.
2. Financial woes are equally unattractive and depressing to me in a dating partner. However, I am $20,000 in debt myself.

I asked myself whether these two symptoms had a single, shared root cause. The answer came back yes. The root cause is shame, the belief that one is inherently bad, and it always develops as a direct result of a love deficiency.

In my case, I looked in the mirror and saw this beautiful, intelligent, sharp, energetic woman buried under this thick layer of fat. (I've been bigger than average since I was little. I used to absolutely detest myself for it and pour tremendous amounts of effort into keeping myself at a just-barely-overweight level. Then at some point I gave up and just let myself go, to the point where I weighed 160 lbs on my 4'10" frame and could barely tie my shoes. I've since lost most of that weight but the last 15 lbs just wouldn't budge, so I became resigned to it.)

It's time to become un-resigned, because it's so obvious to me that I'm using the fat as a shield. It makes me feel bigger, more substantial, and less vulnerable. No one can get through it to see who I really am. In fact, I can't get through it to see who I am myself. Whatever is under the fat scares me to death. That is shame. And the most insidious thing about shame is that it makes a person easily fall into a downward spiral of self-blame, self-loathing, and self-flagellation--often leading to actions that intensify the outward problem. I tell myself, "Oh, I'm so lazy, that's why I can't lose this weight, I'll never be considered attractive..." And that quickly leads to "...I might as well eat 400 calories of chocolate a day. I should at least have SOME pleasure in life, shouldn't I?" Pure poison.

But back to the point of my story. I went to the local new age shop and asked for plant essences that would help with the issue of shame. The lady suggested Scotch pine essential oil applied topically, combined with Mimulus flower essence, taken in a glass of water. She warned me that the Mimulus would bring whatever is causing my shame to come to the surface, and that I would have to do the necessary spiritual work to heal it myself. Fair enough.

When I applied the pine oil, it felt great...for about 5 minutes. Then I noticed I had a headache, difficulty breathing, and my energy just didn't feel right. This lasted about 30 minutes, during which time I also took the mimulus essence. I continued to feel sick for a little while, and then suddenly my heart and body just opened up and I felt really, really good. I felt like I was fundamentally OK, inside and out. This was a level of vibration that had previously been inaccessible to me. That is how plant essences work, I am told. Each plant has its own vibration, and when applied to your body, the vibration of the essence harmonizes with the vibration of your body, bringing you into a vibrational state more conducive to physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Learning and experiencing more of this is definitely going to be a part of my path. I wonder if my diagnosis will prove itself accurate. If I was right and my weight problem is really a shame problem, I ought to drop the weight naturally--via inner promptings to change my lifestyle--once I get my body/mind/spirit to the right vibration. Time will tell.