Today was a day of high tension. I left work way early because I couldn't stand to be there trying to pull random passersby in the door when I knew deep inside I needed to be doing something else. Was I just running away from my recurring problem of the fear of promoting myself? Quite possibly.
While chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo with Joan this morning, I kept getting that I need to stand on my own two feet, completely, as a professional artist, teacher, healer, and everything else that I do--that I can't be anyone's employee anymore. I haven't quit working for her, though. I asked for the rest of the week off to make that decision. It's a big one and I need to make sure that I'm right, and that I have at least a snowball's chance in hell of surviving! I need to check out the opportunity I've found and make sure it isn't going to 1) be impossible or 2) send most of my money to someone else.
In addition, I kept getting that I need to renew myself energetically, so that I can attract more money energy. I got the same message last night from both my father and my yoga master, so I'm pretty sure it's the right one. Joan and I were both talking about how do we attract clientele with more money to spend? Neither of us really had a clue. I tend to avoid people who have a lot of money, and with good reason--everyone I know who has a lot of money seems to be focused on getting some of mine!
Is it even possible to have money without greed? Is it possible to have enough, to just be satisfied? All I see is the two extremes: people like myself struggling tooth and nail, while those who have figured it out position themselves over us to take what little we have for themselves. I do not want to become one of those greedy mofos--but I'm not keen on starving, either!
There is, as always, a middle road, which I was seeking in my decision to allow Google ads on the blog. If the ads that showed up were actually relevant to what I'm writing, then I'd quite possibly be helping my readers MORE by displaying them. They seem to be at least semi-relevant, though I'm seeing ads for modalities such as Reiki that I have not studied and honestly probably won't. So, I can't knowledgeably recommend these things. I wish there were some way to control what shows up with greater accuracy.
However, in another sense, there is no middle road. The controversial Bible verse, Matthew 13:12, is actually the truth when it comes to finances: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him." When I was working in the customer service department for a large bank, I observed this in great detail. This particular bank marketed its services to lower-income individuals--and created its rules in such a way that people had to be EXTREMELY careful to avoid getting caught in a never-ending downward spiral of overdraft fees.
Anyway, though, that's the law of attraction at work. It's just the way things are, and it's best to learn how to work with it.
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