My heart still lies in pieces in its house in my chest. This is something that will haunt me every day of my life--that I have completely alienated yet another man I had feelings for. And nothing I can say or do will un-alienate him. And even though it's actually a good thing for me to not have him in my life or in my mind, I wonder if I had to do it that way--to put myself out on a limb like that to be shot down.
Really, I was hoping to form a deeper connection with him. I should have simply said that, rather than all the stuff I did say. What I did say was truer than anything I'd ever said to a person before, but it was still not the whole Truth of what I really desired to express to him. It was still cowardly, dramatastic, and did not get to the heart of the matter. And now I don't have another shot.
My email to my ex-mother-in-law bounced back, and I don't know if it's just an error, or if she has blocked me. I tried her other email address. I'm prepared to receive judgment from her as well.
And this is enough problems without even thinking about my financial situation.
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That was how Saturday started off. I asked the Lord why all this was coming at me, and He replied "because your heart is not yet clean." So, in order to cleanse my heart, I did an extended bowing meditation that day. 1000 bows. It took me several hours, and took me past the limits of my physical body. But when I would feel some part of my body get worn out, then I would stretch it to its fullest extension on the next bow, and would find myself flooded with seemingly limitless new energy.
And while I was bowing, humbling myself and connecting with the Divine, I received an answer to at least one of the problems. I learned that even though I'd received such a strong sense the previous day (confirmed by my friend's tarot reading) that I had lost this man from my life, I didn't have to accept this--at least not without one last attempt at expressing the truth. So, after 1000 bows, I made the attempt. I was clear, direct, to the point, and apologized for the embarrassing previous communication. Then after 81 more, I had a reply from him. A very nonjudgmental reply. No, he didn't confess his undying love for me--I already knew that wasn't going to happen. But, I felt heard and understood, and I feel I understood him. The deeper connection I had hoped for--and based on truth!
I feel like I have touched a great power. Humbled, reverent, in awe. I have struggled with God and with men, and have overcome. Going forward, this will be a very different world for me to live in.
But there is still much more cleaning left to do.
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