Day 45--the price of authenticity

It hurts. It really freaking hurts.

The other day, I received an unmistakable, undeniable message from the Divine. To stop hiding behind poetry and tell him straight out how I felt. I wrote out the message and everything, then after a day and a half of tripping out and deliberating, I revised it and sent it out.

He has not responded, and I have a strong sense he will not. Ever. I have a strong sense I've permanently lost him, even as a friend--as much as he ever was truly my friend to begin with.

I didn't really know who he was. I "loved" him though I didn't really know who he was. I still don't really know who he is. And I never will.

On some level, I know why it all happened. God is pruning me. He has a purpose for me that I cannot see. Three days in a row I have received visions of a passionate ballet pas de deux with Jesus Christ, who lifted me above the cares of the world and let me feel the perfect freedom of motion in harmony with His will. He wanted to break my heart open so that I could see inside it and have compassion for others.

But it still fscking hurts.

And now I've been called to do it again, with another person in a much different situation.

I wrote up the email, sincerely apologizing to a person I have hurt very badly in the past (actually, I really hurt her son, but you know how it is, the mother suffers the child's pain--and I've already apologized to the son, who refused to hear it and wants nothing to do with me). Lord only knows what I'll get back from that one.

I am just tired of repeatedly receiving the message that I don't matter to people. So. Very. Tired. I am so very tired of attracting, and being attracted to, people who are coded to give me the message that they don't love me and I don't matter to them.

I am f*cking tired of it. You have no idea. I want to cry my eyes out, but getting a tear out of them is like squeezing blood from a turnip. Whoever gave the statistic that women cry 5 times a month on average is full of it--I wish I could cry 5 times a year.

F******************************ck.

The road of authenticity is a ruthless one, I am finding. And at the same time, it is a road of unimaginable beauty, a road of friendships deep and true. With people who don't share my karma, who are able to achieve things that are impossible for me. People who don't believe they have to be constantly abused, denied, and ignored. People who know they deserve to live. These people are a constant inspiration to me.